So i'm on twitter

and everyone is talking about this stock thing they are doing, good for them; and someone says "the scariest thing in the world are people with nothing left to lose. especially when you realize you have EVERYTHING to lose" and oh damn!, that is exactly my issue.

i was in therapy yesterday, and i've been very slowly realizing that i am so deeply afraid of failure, of rejection, of having anything to lose and then losing it - that i don't even want to start. and i was told this is childish, and sure, whatever, it is. but this is where i'm at right now and i donxt know how i'd get out of it.

i literally only have about 2000 dollars to my name, and i have given a loan of about 300, and that is all i have, all i am working with, and i'm scared to have more because then i stand the chance of losing it. and failing from the start diesn't scare me nearly as much as failing from some higher avhievement.

of course there's the saying that failure is a bruise, not a tattoo, but (aside from tattoos also being removable really painfully) it just feels like the worst thing ever. how deep can i sink?

well, if i don't move, it can get pretty deep, but if i get back to where i'm now from a peak, it might feel worse. Icarus laughed as he fell, but i'm not sure i would.

(i wrote these in the morning and then went out and progressed a bit in my Journey Towards Employment)

i am honestly frustrated though, and what is most painful that it is my friends and family who end up being annoying. of course i understand them asking how my interview went, because i tell them when i have an interview so we could discuss it later - but when the interview doesn't happen, for any random reason, it is very annoying for me to explain to even more people (that is anyone other thatn the would'be interviewer) what the issue was.

and i am also starting to understand why these girlboss and entrepreneurship pages share so much content about "hustling in the dark" and only shining through your achievements and thus surprising everyone. experiencing everyone's worry and sadness over my (potential) leaving is kinda discouraging. and i'm not even saying that my friends or family would have wrong views about life (while so much of this supposedly motivational stuff does say that), it is only that they aren't compatible with mine and being bombarded with questions, pessimism and worries drives me even further into not wanting anything. see, i think this is why i'm afraid of failure. but, as Beckett supposedly said (and i'm not gonna look up its literary context):

Fail. Fail again. Fail better.