Eyeing the world

 I think I'm the kind of person who might end up outsourcing her emotional needs to an LLM chatbot, and it's not even because I would admire the thing. I am just feeling too isolated, too much like a burden, and too different from my current friends. On the one hand, I'm not even sure what I want, and on the other, I would absolutely hate it if someone else were to decide for me. I don't even want to get into the chatbot thing too much. It is designed to mimic empathy, to make you want to talk to it, pay to talk to it more efficiently, maybe even mine your data, because who would admit it these days? I can't say I'm a saint in this regard, yes, I have talked with the robot, I have had it generate images for me, and even after I learned how it was trained. I'm not proud - but I am desperate. I need validation, I need direction, I want to do something good with my life but cannot decide on it. Even now, I am thinking of going back to college, and of learning t...

 whoever read my posts from January, or just has heard me talk about my life, will recall how deep an impression the film had on me. And it's kind of banal, to be frank. I originally watched the film after having read that "the pizza scene" changed someone's life, or body image, or whatever we wish. So, let me first describe what the movie elicited in me. I was, honestly, stunned. Stunned by the travels, the gorgeous foods and people, though I might say the cinematography was average. Good editing, of course, is what doesn't call attention to itself, but good cinematography might be harder to define. I just haven't felt like any of the shots had left any lasting impact on me, or the soundtrack, for that matter. The single exception is the Brazilian song, Samba da Bencao (I apologize for not using the proper letters), the Portuguese immediately stroked my eardrums in a familiar way, and I found the song to be quite soothing, enjoyable. I even have it on my spot...

 I've got to say, it really sucks how exercise and a routine and eating well can help so much with mental health - why, you might ask. It does sound counterintuitive. After all, wouldn't a mentally ill person do anything they can to get better? Well, yes - but when I personally am feeling down, I have no will to do what I need to. With the utmost honesty, I think it was the solstice that helped me get back into some acceptable stuff. So, we're here to talk about overeating, right? Well, since I was small, I used to eat all that was given to me, then seconds, and then the dessert. I don't actually recall this conversation, but my mother does: when I was really young, my grandparents would tell me how good a kid my cousin was, because she would eat a lot, and she was such a puffy child and so on. Well, one day, the story says, I ate eight wiener sausages. Eight. Not even as an adult would I eat that many. But ever since I can remember, it had been like that. When someone ...

 part two: a book review (content warning: dark. depression, potential sui ideation) This part is not really a review, more like a recommendation, relating my personal experience to what I read. Well, it did start out with Krav Maga. The more I went and trained, the more I would hear about bettering our coordination, and through that, our self-confidence, and isn't that what we all want? I did get a bit interested in biomechanics, the effects of exercise on our nervous system, and, of course, bettering myself. And because I also got an instructor diploma in early 2018, I feel it's my duty to learn more and more about anything that might be related to my field - especially since I want to teach one day. I did get the opportunity to teach, in the fall of 2019, a mother contacted me and asked me to teach her kid, privately, so of course, I threw myself into the thing. Coincidentally, I also had a friend visiting Budapest at that time, and she asked me what souvenir to bring. That...

part one: my personal history with exercise Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't. yes, this is the first thing that came to my mind right after the title. i remember seeing this quote as a gifset on a fitblr in circa 2013. and i will be perfectly honest, firblrs motivated me to start running, even though i hated it. i was 14 when i first signed up for an orienteering race - but let's not get too carried away. i wanted to write everything here, but it got long, so this is gonna be a series. we know how kids move a lot. i did, too. i think it stopped once i went into 5th grade, and we got a specialised gym teacher. he was very oldschool, always wore a tracksuit, and had the weirdest rules ever. we needed to change for this class. i'd never been required to change clothes in school. sometimes i'd forget. we would leave the shoes in our classroom, so there was less to carry. i distinctly rememb...

 yeah i'm not gonna say its name because it might be ableist and i'd rather err om this side. the HIIT cardio workouts by Shaun T. i've been doing the program for 3 weeks and intend to do the 60 days twice, almost back to back. yes i want to lose weight. and it isn't my only motivator, i also want to get my mental health into shape again (well, void is not a shape, right?). oh, how difficult it is to be fat nowadays! i feel like i'm betraying the fat acceptance movement by this, and i still think it's the best choice for me. why do i think that after having tried and failed so many times, like so many people? because i've had horrible back pains, because i can't enjoy the things i love, and because the way i was eating in the past year is definitely detrimental to anyone. i'm so glad i felt the need to put that disclaimer. either way, let's get to the workouts. unsurprisingly, the Fit Test, the very first you'll do is also the easiest of them...