Eyeing the world

 I've got to say, it really sucks how exercise and a routine and eating well can help so much with mental health - why, you might ask. It does sound counterintuitive. After all, wouldn't a mentally ill person do anything they can to get better? Well, yes - but when I personally am feeling down, I have no will to do what I need to. With the utmost honesty, I think it was the solstice that helped me get back into some acceptable stuff. So, we're here to talk about overeating, right? Well, since I was small, I used to eat all that was given to me, then seconds, and then the dessert. I don't actually recall this conversation, but my mother does: when I was really young, my grandparents would tell me how good a kid my cousin was, because she would eat a lot, and she was such a puffy child and so on. Well, one day, the story says, I ate eight wiener sausages. Eight. Not even as an adult would I eat that many. But ever since I can remember, it had been like that. When someone ...

 (content warning: negative body talk examples) So, I just posted a before and after pic on my insta. Well, technically, it is a before and during photo, because I'm like 30 something days into this 60 day project. The point is, I'm showing off all the centimeters I've lost in these past days, that I'm celebrating that my body is smaller, that I'm 5 or 6 kilograms closer to being conventionally attractive. And I'm also not posting myself from all angles, because I cannot stand how I look from the back. I don't even have a shape! I do want to defend my use of the picture, but why do I feel like I have to defend it? Well, I have to defend it from my own self, because she can, sometimes, get bad feelings when hearing about weight loss, or about such transformations. And I could say a lot of things that would go like "health at every size, but that size was not healthy for me", and it would feel like conventional babble, like simple filler. And I did w...

not gonna lie, my almost 3 year relationship with my ex did fuck with me, massively. and, well, what currently seems like it's fucking with me is how my therapist asks if to her it was a relationship as well. i dont really want to talk to her about it, so it is HIGHLY ironic i'm posting it here, for anyone ever to see. But i do believe she considered us to be in a relationship. she wanted to "love me perfectly", we had all the physical aspects a relationship might contain, we had pet names, we had plans for our future and, to the best of our knowledge, we did try to support each other through hardships and in the other's dreams. and i know the stereotype of tumblr gays breaking up and labelling their ex as their abuser - that is not my intention. i believe she has grown since then, and even back then, there were other, admirable aspects to her - obviously, because i wouldn't have put up with the shit part otherwise. the thing i want to concentrate on today is ...

 part two: a book review (content warning: dark. depression, potential sui ideation) This part is not really a review, more like a recommendation, relating my personal experience to what I read. Well, it did start out with Krav Maga. The more I went and trained, the more I would hear about bettering our coordination, and through that, our self-confidence, and isn't that what we all want? I did get a bit interested in biomechanics, the effects of exercise on our nervous system, and, of course, bettering myself. And because I also got an instructor diploma in early 2018, I feel it's my duty to learn more and more about anything that might be related to my field - especially since I want to teach one day. I did get the opportunity to teach, in the fall of 2019, a mother contacted me and asked me to teach her kid, privately, so of course, I threw myself into the thing. Coincidentally, I also had a friend visiting Budapest at that time, and she asked me what souvenir to bring. That...

 I did get a new job! Finally. And, of course, they require us to get a medical checkup before starting to work, so I did just that. The last one of these I'd done when applying to work at Amazon - I was also about 12 kilograms lighter. I had my appointment for 19, and was there by 18:45. The doctor called me in at 19:15, or maybe .20, and I sat down, we talked. Normal stuff. Now, since it's called drama, and with that introduction, we should know what's coming. Among all the questions, she asked me about my height and weight, which I told her. She asked me if I gained weight in the past year, and how much it was. I sort of chuckled to myself, out of the nervousness, because I could not calculate - or my brain just didn't want to admit to circa 25 kilos gained in the pandemic? Before I could actually recall, what my weight was before lockdown happened, and then calculate the 25 that even now seems unrealistic (after all, I was trying to lose 30! and had lost 5, before g...

part one: my personal history with exercise Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't. yes, this is the first thing that came to my mind right after the title. i remember seeing this quote as a gifset on a fitblr in circa 2013. and i will be perfectly honest, firblrs motivated me to start running, even though i hated it. i was 14 when i first signed up for an orienteering race - but let's not get too carried away. i wanted to write everything here, but it got long, so this is gonna be a series. we know how kids move a lot. i did, too. i think it stopped once i went into 5th grade, and we got a specialised gym teacher. he was very oldschool, always wore a tracksuit, and had the weirdest rules ever. we needed to change for this class. i'd never been required to change clothes in school. sometimes i'd forget. we would leave the shoes in our classroom, so there was less to carry. i distinctly rememb...

 you don't like drama? oh, if you do, you don't have to be shy! if ypu really don't, that's entirely okay, too. where should i start on my drama? well, as i arrived home, i was assigned different towels than the ones i usually use. my father seemed a bit awkward about them but i was too tired to pay it much mind, so let's say i'm projecting the awkwardness of it back. a few days passed like this... until, on a friday, i was informed that my father had a girlfriend now, and she was coming over. i went out for a walk, hurt myself badly, and when i arrived home i went into the bathroom to wash my wounds. first, i noticed some fancier toilet paper, and i smirked. just a man, i thought, after all, really wants to impress her. but after having washed my wounds, i turned to dry my hands, and saw my old towels on the rack. they were hers now. he put my towels out for her. this, honestly, turned to some bitterness. i would laugh the toilet paper thing off, i would not mi...

 yeah i'm not gonna say its name because it might be ableist and i'd rather err om this side. the HIIT cardio workouts by Shaun T. i've been doing the program for 3 weeks and intend to do the 60 days twice, almost back to back. yes i want to lose weight. and it isn't my only motivator, i also want to get my mental health into shape again (well, void is not a shape, right?). oh, how difficult it is to be fat nowadays! i feel like i'm betraying the fat acceptance movement by this, and i still think it's the best choice for me. why do i think that after having tried and failed so many times, like so many people? because i've had horrible back pains, because i can't enjoy the things i love, and because the way i was eating in the past year is definitely detrimental to anyone. i'm so glad i felt the need to put that disclaimer. either way, let's get to the workouts. unsurprisingly, the Fit Test, the very first you'll do is also the easiest of them...