Heartbreak Diaries

not gonna lie, my almost 3 year relationship with my ex did fuck with me, massively. and, well, what currently seems like it's fucking with me is how my therapist asks if to her it was a relationship as well.

i dont really want to talk to her about it, so it is HIGHLY ironic i'm posting it here, for anyone ever to see. But i do believe she considered us to be in a relationship. she wanted to "love me perfectly", we had all the physical aspects a relationship might contain, we had pet names, we had plans for our future and, to the best of our knowledge, we did try to support each other through hardships and in the other's dreams.

and i know the stereotype of tumblr gays breaking up and labelling their ex as their abuser - that is not my intention. i believe she has grown since then, and even back then, there were other, admirable aspects to her - obviously, because i wouldn't have put up with the shit part otherwise.

the thing i want to concentrate on today is how our relationship was regarded as temporary. not only were both of us "allowing" the other to go out with others (and i think this is why i assume i would be okay with polyamory, i had absolutely no jealousy when she told me of a date beforehand, i was excited for her, i wanted to hear details...only when it was cheating did i feel messed up), as we were both the other's best friend as well, i'd very often get to listen to her dreaming of marrying a german man. and she asked me if i'd be her maid of honor. no, i wanted to be her wife. and sometimes, laying in bed, she'd look at me, and take my hand and ask "will you marry me?" and i couldnt believe my eyes, would say yes, and then she would smile and say she was practicing for the day she'd actually propose. which, obviously, never came, she ghosted me. she'd also stop communicating for days when she was angry.

and just now i'm laying in my bed and fantasizing about how good it would be if i had my man hold my hand,  and i got so sad. of course, that makes no sense. why am i sad? because i love him, and this will be over. why would this be over, then? i'm not planning on leaving him! he must be, though. why do i think that? didn't he say he likes me immensely? didn't he express so many times how interested in me he is? and aren't i unique? if he likes me, he'll have to put up with me, because he's not gonna find anyone like me soon. and as all these thoughts were racing through my head, i remembered my ex telling me about her dream wedding, and i ended up crying. for what? and then did i realize, i've been viewing relationships as temporary. I've internalized the role of just being a stepping stone.

but i'm not the stepping stone, nor is any other person, i'm the reward.

Update, I'm having some more thoughts around her and around my man as well. I'm not going to share too many details, but this one story needs to be told: I was telling my friend about how I'd love to go see my man but how expensive that would be, and she asked why I needed that much. I told her I wanted a hotel room, because "what if we fight, I want to have a secure place to sleep" and she proceeded to say she's not too excited about my relationship if it hangs on that thin of a thread after more than a year and a half. I did just lump it in with my overthinking, but later realized it might be because of my ex, of the way she used to talk to me. I wasn't the perfect person or partner either, but we'd meet about monthly, and she'd proceed to attack one of my behaviors or habits. Sometimes all seemed to be in order, but we were a secret, I couldn't share her bed, it felt awful to stay in the same room and she wouldn't even look at me. I was just trying to avoid that. Years have passed since that relationship, and I'm still reacting to aspects of it.