Eyeing the world

 im not sure if this is a circle of suffering, or a domino effect - in fact im not even sure these are separate things. today i went to a new psychologist and to be entirely fair, it helped me a lot. it was also long overdue. i finally could talk about my problems - and what im thinking now, although this igh be pathologizing something not entirely pthological, is that i kind of have an eating disorder. see, at the end of our session, she drew this circle and said i should draw in what is relevant to me and in what measure. then she portioned out at least 70% ofthe circle and said it was her impression that that was filled by my prepccupation with body weight. with my weight and my shape. and i really didnt want to admit this to myself. i did not want to think about how this is what i mostly think about. and on the one hand, if i lose weight, i'll have the chance to be less preoccupied - to not worry if i fit in a chair or a tight pass, if i have clothes in a size that will fit ove...

 I've got to say, it really sucks how exercise and a routine and eating well can help so much with mental health - why, you might ask. It does sound counterintuitive. After all, wouldn't a mentally ill person do anything they can to get better? Well, yes - but when I personally am feeling down, I have no will to do what I need to. With the utmost honesty, I think it was the solstice that helped me get back into some acceptable stuff. So, we're here to talk about overeating, right? Well, since I was small, I used to eat all that was given to me, then seconds, and then the dessert. I don't actually recall this conversation, but my mother does: when I was really young, my grandparents would tell me how good a kid my cousin was, because she would eat a lot, and she was such a puffy child and so on. Well, one day, the story says, I ate eight wiener sausages. Eight. Not even as an adult would I eat that many. But ever since I can remember, it had been like that. When someone ...

 (content warning: negative body talk examples) So, I just posted a before and after pic on my insta. Well, technically, it is a before and during photo, because I'm like 30 something days into this 60 day project. The point is, I'm showing off all the centimeters I've lost in these past days, that I'm celebrating that my body is smaller, that I'm 5 or 6 kilograms closer to being conventionally attractive. And I'm also not posting myself from all angles, because I cannot stand how I look from the back. I don't even have a shape! I do want to defend my use of the picture, but why do I feel like I have to defend it? Well, I have to defend it from my own self, because she can, sometimes, get bad feelings when hearing about weight loss, or about such transformations. And I could say a lot of things that would go like "health at every size, but that size was not healthy for me", and it would feel like conventional babble, like simple filler. And I did w...

 part two: a book review (content warning: dark. depression, potential sui ideation) This part is not really a review, more like a recommendation, relating my personal experience to what I read. Well, it did start out with Krav Maga. The more I went and trained, the more I would hear about bettering our coordination, and through that, our self-confidence, and isn't that what we all want? I did get a bit interested in biomechanics, the effects of exercise on our nervous system, and, of course, bettering myself. And because I also got an instructor diploma in early 2018, I feel it's my duty to learn more and more about anything that might be related to my field - especially since I want to teach one day. I did get the opportunity to teach, in the fall of 2019, a mother contacted me and asked me to teach her kid, privately, so of course, I threw myself into the thing. Coincidentally, I also had a friend visiting Budapest at that time, and she asked me what souvenir to bring. That...