EMMH Part three - Before and after

 (content warning: negative body talk examples)

So, I just posted a before and after pic on my insta. Well, technically, it is a before and during photo, because I'm like 30 something days into this 60 day project.

The point is, I'm showing off all the centimeters I've lost in these past days, that I'm celebrating that my body is smaller, that I'm 5 or 6 kilograms closer to being conventionally attractive. And I'm also not posting myself from all angles, because I cannot stand how I look from the back. I don't even have a shape!

I do want to defend my use of the picture, but why do I feel like I have to defend it? Well, I have to defend it from my own self, because she can, sometimes, get bad feelings when hearing about weight loss, or about such transformations. And I could say a lot of things that would go like "health at every size, but that size was not healthy for me", and it would feel like conventional babble, like simple filler.

And I did want to concentrate on numbers, I have an entire excel sheet of metrics. And I was also trying to go by non-scale victories, such as clothes fitting different, or what you will.

I could also excuse it all by saying I wasn't going for weight loss, but the truth is, I absolutely am. It is not my only goal, and I hope it would be a consequence of all my other goals, but that doesn't change the fact that I do want to lose weight. Because I can feel how being that much heavier impacted my life. To be perfectly honest, I thought I shouldn't aim to lose weight, because I hear so often that intentional weight loss doesn't work out. I also thought it would never work for me, that I would hurt my knees, that I could never run again, because I would be in pain after...

I am not gonna say that intentional weight loss is easy or for everyone, nor can I recommend it. I know how awful and humiliating it can get to be told by everyone how my body changed, how demoralizing it is when I couldn't keep up with the lifestyle. I am in fact very afraid that that would happen again. I'm gonna do the Insanity videos twice, almost back to back, and I have no idea what comes next, but what I do know is that it will not get me even halfway.

For now, my habits have been working for me, I would get up earlier, I would eat by healthier principles, and my workouts have been getting easier.

I did encounter some problems, because life happens. For example, on the first three days of this project, my weight increased (randomly). Back then, I didn't really bother, because I just assumed it came from being sore from yesterday's workout, I heard that can happen. It happened again, later, and I was very surprised - I was also feeling bad about it. I tried to be neutral about my weight, I tried to compare it to the starting weight, telling myself that it was still lower, but in general, I'd prefer to be emotionless about it. That, of course, would mean that I wouldn't care about loss or gain. And especially since I plan on eventually starting weight training, which might result in weight gain and yet lost centimeters (you know, for muscle being more dense than fat).

Of course, it's very easy for me, I've never actually been triggered by before and afters.

Either way, I'm trying to be healthy, both mentally and physically. I've given up on weight loss many times, sometimes just out of boredom, and sometimes it was because I started to feel bad about myself. I would look in the mirror and feel like all the calorie restriction was useless, because nothing changed. In this regard, the progress pictures are directly useful for me, since I can keep track of that as well (though, now that I'm happy with working out, that keeps me going, too).

I have also eliminated calorie tracking, because as objective as it is, I find it too restrictive, and it has been making me give up.

And now, let me talk a bit about 75 Hard, the wellness (?) challenge that asks you to take progress pics each day. I will be blunt, I don't see the point of doing that. It would just lead to body checking, in my opinion. Moreover, in my personal case, it would also lead to me comparing each day's photo to yesterday's, not seeing any change and so on. I did attempt this thing too, I wanted to take two photos each day. I was aiming to take a photo before and after I worked out (and, for a week, I might do that now, too. I just got the idea of a project where I would take multiple photos a day, such as one when I wake up and weigh in, one after I work out, and one after each meal, with a final one at the end of the day. That would lead to an overabundance of pictures, but would be an interesting experience). There is no way though that taking a photo each day would work for me.

I have to note, my project is only a few weeks in, and in many aspects at its most fragile point - but I'm more dedicated than ever. It has become a habit by now; waking up, training, eating until I'm comfortable, eating from a certain sized plate (not a small one, 20 centimeters in diameter) all feel like second nature, which should be the goal. With this disclaimer, though, here's what seems to have worked for me so far:

taking a progress video (or photos) on the very first day.

having an actual workout calendar, and easy access to what I want to do

I weigh myself each day. It's important that you only weigh yourself once, or if it's triggering, you can totally leave it out. If I weren't interested in my weight, I'd probably go for waist beads.

eating two handfuls of low-carb vegetables, one handful of high-carb food and a palm sized serving of protein. Usually, with this method, a thumb-sized serving of fat is also mentioned, and I'm not adding that, since it's most likely already there, thanks to cooking.

eating until I feel comfortable. This one was very tricky to figure out, since I used to stuff my face as a child, and I tend to overeat to compensate for stress. (I haven't yet found a good way of balancing stress out)

I relax plenty throughout the day, go to sleep between 10 and 11 and wake up at around 5. This is in fact unsustainable, and I would prefer to go to sleep at 9, but we'll see if my schedule allows for it.

each week, I my program has a rest day. I prefer to make it an active rest day, with long walks or even my 10K trainer (I'm at the beginner runs). If it weren't for the pandemic, I'd go swimming instead.

each week, I count the hairs I lost while showering and washing my head. This is because if I went into a caloric deficit that was too large, I'd start losing my hair; and I have thin hair regardless. I recall being told that 100 is the maximum acceptable number here. I'm gonna go with 90 instead, because if it can go over by 5, why couldn't it go over by 10? I'm very likely to accept losing 105 hairs as not that big of a deal, so if 90 is the number, 95 or 100 will feel like not that much over target.

Every two weeks, there's a fit test in the program. It recommends you write down what you accomplish, and I track this in its own table as well.

Every two weeks, I let my scale measure my BMR, BMI (this one I don't really care about, but it still appears, so I just disregard the number completely), fat, muscle and water percentage, as well as bone weight. I don't track my bone weight, but it's been steady so far. Then, I also measure my neck, arms, wrists, bust (i skip the underbust, but at my goal weight or size I'll definitely have to), waist, hips, thighs, calves and ankles. (I must put another disclaimer here: on my second fit test, I wasn't able to get these measurements, and I got them more than a week later, in fact, so the change was that much more drastic.) I realize all this is a lot to keep track of, and again emphasize that I'm not recommending this to anyone who might be even the least bit uncomfortable with it.

And finally, progress pics may be taken every four weeks.

I try to eat to support my hormonal cycle, as I had the bad fortune of being born with a uterus, and I desperately hope that this will lead to less painful periods. That means I eat slightly differently each week.

On the first week of my cycle (starting on the day I first bleed), I'll eat purple things, foods with vitamin C, and iron supplements. I also take calcium supplements, because of how draining my cramps can get, and calcium seems to help, and it's important to note that at least two hours must pass after taking iron, before I can take calcium (they tend to hinder the absorption of the other). So, on my first day, for example, let's say I wake up at 5, go to the bathroom and see I've recently started bleeding. I'll put something in place, check my sheets and underwear for stains, clean them, and also take my thyroid supps. Thirty minutes must pass before I can eat anything, and because I want to take an iron supplement with my breakfast, I'll try to not include dairy, and to have fruits - i love citruses, but they can interact with certain meds, so be careful. When my 30 minutes are up, I'll have the breakfast, take the iron, and go lie down, because I already deserve it. I tend to get almost unbearable cramps, that once made me take time off work, so I'll be sure to stay warm. I usually also eat very little, but after the cramps have passed, I have the appetite of a wolf, naturally. I take painkillers and calcium with water, and it's very often the case that I can't eat anything with them, even if it is recommended, and I do recommend that you try if you can. My favourite purple foods are basically just berries, but I'll be trying out a beet smoothie the first chance I get. (purple, seaweed, string beans, blue n blackberries, cherries, seafood, easily digestible and warm) (rose petal, tulsi, rose hip and raspberry leaf tea)

After my bleeding is over, I start to eat a lot more greens. I love spinach, for example, but bitter greens are also really recommended, such as arugula or daisy leaves. I also adore sprouts, and they are very useful for now. Citrus is explicitly recommended here, and carrots can also be useful. My meals in this time usually included eggs, sprouts, bread and a side of citrus. Here, if I can, I change from calcium to magnesium for two weeks, so I take that in the evening; I also keep my morning iron supplement. (nut butters, nuts and seeds, probiotics - kimchi, sauerkraut, kombucha; citrus, strawberries, carrots)

About two weeks after my first day, I'm ovulating, which might mean a slight increase in weight (I'm not entirely sure of the reasons).

Then, about four days after ovulation, the luteal phase starts, when, as I recall, complex carbs and protein are recommended. It's also harder to lose weight in this phase, and we might actually lose some muscle, too. Today, for example, I had steak for breakfast, with roasted sweet potato, zucchini, bell pepper and broccoli, and a protein chocolate drink with that, and it kept me full for hours. I'm supposed to get my period again in 3 days, so I need to brush up on what to eat.

Honestly, deep down I'm afraid of a day that my weight loss plateaus, and I'll have to start counting calories. I'd either have to accept that weight as my set point, or actually go to a dietitian for that.

Another thing that I've never really considered is how I used to always overeat. I'll write the next part about that.