Eyeing the world

 Spite is the best motivator, they say. So often, I look at someone and my mind decides, if they could get what they want, why couldn't I? in the most arrogant way. In one way, this might be able to inspire me to reach for my dreams, but usually I just end up bitter - mostly, because what they had achieved, isn't that dreamy to me, but is still missing from my life. I spent five years at the Pretentiously Reading Texts college, and can't say I was immune to the snobbery among different majors. I recall even professors, ones entirely too full of themselves, making fun of first-year students, actual teenagers, for having chosen a worthless, stupid, easy major. I wish I had reacted differently, but instead, I formed the mental image that business college must be easy. So, now, we're putting that to the test. So far, they only require your highschool diploma (let's say the SAT equivalent for my country), and a motivational essay, that isn't graded, but read. The Lit...

 I think I'm the kind of person who might end up outsourcing her emotional needs to an LLM chatbot, and it's not even because I would admire the thing. I am just feeling too isolated, too much like a burden, and too different from my current friends. On the one hand, I'm not even sure what I want, and on the other, I would absolutely hate it if someone else were to decide for me. I don't even want to get into the chatbot thing too much. It is designed to mimic empathy, to make you want to talk to it, pay to talk to it more efficiently, maybe even mine your data, because who would admit it these days? I can't say I'm a saint in this regard, yes, I have talked with the robot, I have had it generate images for me, and even after I learned how it was trained. I'm not proud - but I am desperate. I need validation, I need direction, I want to do something good with my life but cannot decide on it. Even now, I am thinking of going back to college, and of learning t...

 so, our class is organizing a 10 year anniversary meetup. at first, i absolutely disregarded the notification. who cares? i was always above caring about all these people. but then, the memories - the good, the bad, the embarrassing - started coming back to me. whatever happened with the barely 18 girl who hooked up with a teacher? and with the snobby idiots? should i want to see these people? am i cool and nonchalant, or is it a sad testament to my broken soul that i do not wish to follow up with these folks? and, just as i started thinking about a good reason to go or an even better one to decline, my brain just gave up on it. don't go, it decided, we haven't amounted to anything. it's been 10 years and you've gained how many kilos of fat again? some of these classmates had gotten married, given birth, started on their dream carreers, while you dropped out of college, gotten fat, kept the superiority complex and don't even have a one night stand to show for it. i...

 im not sure if this is a circle of suffering, or a domino effect - in fact im not even sure these are separate things. today i went to a new psychologist and to be entirely fair, it helped me a lot. it was also long overdue. i finally could talk about my problems - and what im thinking now, although this igh be pathologizing something not entirely pthological, is that i kind of have an eating disorder. see, at the end of our session, she drew this circle and said i should draw in what is relevant to me and in what measure. then she portioned out at least 70% ofthe circle and said it was her impression that that was filled by my prepccupation with body weight. with my weight and my shape. and i really didnt want to admit this to myself. i did not want to think about how this is what i mostly think about. and on the one hand, if i lose weight, i'll have the chance to be less preoccupied - to not worry if i fit in a chair or a tight pass, if i have clothes in a size that will fit ove...

it's been 2 and a half years. My worst fears have come true. And I'm kind of starting out again. i have come back to this blog kind of to motivate myself; kind of to continue whatever this story is. I did want to make a yt series on weight loss, and I have a lot to process. let's then quick recap all that happened after my last post so far (since November of 2021). Freshly after a situationship, I threw myself into exercise. I taught myself how to headstand and I was really proud of my progress with it. I was starting to train for pull-ups and jump rope. It was, in some ways, fun. I also gave up on measuring my scale weight. I loved my body basically as it was; I wanted to expand my limits and focus less on weight. However I was unhappy in another way - after that situationship. I was invested. I kind of feel some progress of my personality has declined since, and have recently started working on "fixing" that. Let's not skip that far forward, yet. I was also ...

 So I started doing Noom. I know it's bad for my eating habits, I was only interested in the articles, and did learn some useful things as well. One of them is the motivation model, which, very shortly means: one large peak and decline at the start, and then continuous slips and surges (yes, I did steal their terminology). I am now going through a slip. Or is this my initial fall, since I was experiencing "success" for about 6 months? It's also autumn, and I feel awful. I'm also going through what is, for me, a breakup - and for the person I used to refer to as my man, I have no clue. It sucks. I miss him terribly. And I'm not gonna tell him anything. But all this has made it so that I don't feel the same rush of happiness throughout or even at the end of my workouts, while my daily mood is still low. I'm not sure, what to do - if I stop, it can only get worse, but I'm also not as motivated to keep it up. The one thing that still sparks joy in me i...