im not sure if this is a circle of suffering, or a domino effect - in fact im not even sure these are separate things.
today i went to a new psychologist and to be entirely fair, it helped me a lot. it was also long overdue.
i finally could talk about my problems - and what im thinking now, although this igh be pathologizing something not entirely pthological, is that i kind of have an eating disorder.
see, at the end of our session, she drew this circle and said i should draw in what is relevant to me and in what measure. then she portioned out at least 70% ofthe circle and said it was her impression that that was filled by my prepccupation with body weight.
with my weight and my shape.
and i really didnt want to admit this to myself. i did not want to think about how this is what i mostly think about.
and on the one hand, if i lose weight, i'll have the chance to be less preoccupied - to not worry if i fit in a chair or a tight pass, if i have clothes in a size that will fit over my body. on the other hand, i hear that so many people get skinny and then dedicate all their brainpower to not getting fat. i really dont want that.
so now im thinking, i cannot "just lose weight and be happy" if i remain so preoccupied with my body. but i also have this concept that i must be preoccuied with it in order to change it.
so now im supposed to think of other stuff that will actually fill the circular cup for me. but i feel empty.
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