Eyeing the world

 im not sure if this is a circle of suffering, or a domino effect - in fact im not even sure these are separate things. today i went to a new psychologist and to be entirely fair, it helped me a lot. it was also long overdue. i finally could talk about my problems - and what im thinking now, although this igh be pathologizing something not entirely pthological, is that i kind of have an eating disorder. see, at the end of our session, she drew this circle and said i should draw in what is relevant to me and in what measure. then she portioned out at least 70% ofthe circle and said it was her impression that that was filled by my prepccupation with body weight. with my weight and my shape. and i really didnt want to admit this to myself. i did not want to think about how this is what i mostly think about. and on the one hand, if i lose weight, i'll have the chance to be less preoccupied - to not worry if i fit in a chair or a tight pass, if i have clothes in a size that will fit ove...

 I've got to say, it really sucks how exercise and a routine and eating well can help so much with mental health - why, you might ask. It does sound counterintuitive. After all, wouldn't a mentally ill person do anything they can to get better? Well, yes - but when I personally am feeling down, I have no will to do what I need to. With the utmost honesty, I think it was the solstice that helped me get back into some acceptable stuff. So, we're here to talk about overeating, right? Well, since I was small, I used to eat all that was given to me, then seconds, and then the dessert. I don't actually recall this conversation, but my mother does: when I was really young, my grandparents would tell me how good a kid my cousin was, because she would eat a lot, and she was such a puffy child and so on. Well, one day, the story says, I ate eight wiener sausages. Eight. Not even as an adult would I eat that many. But ever since I can remember, it had been like that. When someone ...

 (content warning: negative body talk examples) So, I just posted a before and after pic on my insta. Well, technically, it is a before and during photo, because I'm like 30 something days into this 60 day project. The point is, I'm showing off all the centimeters I've lost in these past days, that I'm celebrating that my body is smaller, that I'm 5 or 6 kilograms closer to being conventionally attractive. And I'm also not posting myself from all angles, because I cannot stand how I look from the back. I don't even have a shape! I do want to defend my use of the picture, but why do I feel like I have to defend it? Well, I have to defend it from my own self, because she can, sometimes, get bad feelings when hearing about weight loss, or about such transformations. And I could say a lot of things that would go like "health at every size, but that size was not healthy for me", and it would feel like conventional babble, like simple filler. And I did w...

 I did get a new job! Finally. And, of course, they require us to get a medical checkup before starting to work, so I did just that. The last one of these I'd done when applying to work at Amazon - I was also about 12 kilograms lighter. I had my appointment for 19, and was there by 18:45. The doctor called me in at 19:15, or maybe .20, and I sat down, we talked. Normal stuff. Now, since it's called drama, and with that introduction, we should know what's coming. Among all the questions, she asked me about my height and weight, which I told her. She asked me if I gained weight in the past year, and how much it was. I sort of chuckled to myself, out of the nervousness, because I could not calculate - or my brain just didn't want to admit to circa 25 kilos gained in the pandemic? Before I could actually recall, what my weight was before lockdown happened, and then calculate the 25 that even now seems unrealistic (after all, I was trying to lose 30! and had lost 5, before g...

 you don't like drama? oh, if you do, you don't have to be shy! if ypu really don't, that's entirely okay, too. where should i start on my drama? well, as i arrived home, i was assigned different towels than the ones i usually use. my father seemed a bit awkward about them but i was too tired to pay it much mind, so let's say i'm projecting the awkwardness of it back. a few days passed like this... until, on a friday, i was informed that my father had a girlfriend now, and she was coming over. i went out for a walk, hurt myself badly, and when i arrived home i went into the bathroom to wash my wounds. first, i noticed some fancier toilet paper, and i smirked. just a man, i thought, after all, really wants to impress her. but after having washed my wounds, i turned to dry my hands, and saw my old towels on the rack. they were hers now. he put my towels out for her. this, honestly, turned to some bitterness. i would laugh the toilet paper thing off, i would not mi...