Dear Diary

cw: trauma, eating/food, internet.

 is alivia getting cancelled? i really hope she isn't, i did genuinely love her content. i have to admit, i don't exactly vibe with her latest video though, especially this quote: "the scars on our brain are a reminder that our past is real, but it's up to us to grind those scars down into a fine powder until they no longer affect the outcome of our life". i genuinely detest this quote. i don't recall where she took it from, a type of self-help book by some dude. and while i am trying to find what i hate in it, i've come to a certain understanding of it: the quote acts as if there is a pure version of us under all the conditioning and trauma that we must unearth - for what purpose? to live life to the fullest? to be happy? to succeed in capitalism? i haven't the slightest idea.

and sure, some of us already had an entire personality before they endured some sort of trauma. but others have grown up with small events that influenced them in such a way that they act as if they are traumatised - de facto, they are, just not from one big thing - but it is their personality. they don't know an authentic version of themselves under the scars. their self-image is scar tissue. i say this not as a professional, and also not as someone deeply traumatised. i do have my own issues though, and they are coming right up.

but whatever it is that alivia's fanbase finds questionable (and there are many aspects to it that i'm not gonna discuss now), there is some miscommunication, maybe some boundary issues?

either way, not my business. my business is my own self-imprivement. which, to be frank, is gonna last a lifetime. but let's make it last as long!

i was at training today. martial arts, specifically, Krav-Maga, that is: the israeli martial art for self defense. i love it. it has been the center of my life for almost 5 years now! it is a miracle. i cannot describe all the ways it has changed me for the better, and yet i feel i hadn't changed enough. i gained a lot of weight last year, obviously, i think. to describe the entirety of what gas led to it - i'll need days. let's just say i stress eat. why am i rambling about this? i think i should change my eating habits, to lose weight, to be able to perform better. all the shake diets tempt me so badly. i want to restrict all my food, to eat 1300 calories a day, to shed all the kilograms with the speed of light. that is sadly impossible. and i've failed many times. well, they aay i should not put it that way. Either way, i'm a bluebelt now, in KM, and possibly this year i might be able to change to brown. which i want. i terribly want it, with each cell of my body, i want to know, i want to learn. but - is it experience or is it 2020? - i'm afraid.

i know the exam will be hard. after my very first exam, which only lasted 4 hours, i had sore legs and butt for 3 days. this exam would last 5 days, 4-5 hours each day. it's very hard stuff, a lot of breakfalling, a lot of jumping with weights and: flying kicks. flying kicks! i love them and yet i am so afraid. see, i had my blue exam in 2019, and during the exam, i twisted my ankle (that poor ankle. i had twisted it 6x in 12 months). that pretty much disabled me for the entirety of the exam, and even though the injury hurt like hell (and sometimesnit felt like my foot was going to dislocate on its own), not being able to participate, to suffer with the others, was so much worse for me.

my crush has participated in a part of this exam in september (2020). he says it was deadly. he made videos, showed us his bloody elbows (from breakfalls) and he looked so tired by the end of each day. he hurt his leg and walked with a limp for a month. this man is also very athletic. what i mean, he is older than me and has learned several types of martial arts. he also trains daily etc. i'm not as fit and i cannot get as fit in 6 months. 

i am afraid to hurt my ankle again.

it isn't necessarily the pain, though that is bad on its own, but my knowledge that i need both legs to be able to train, and if i were to lose one, i'd be disqualified from the thing i enjoy the most.

i'm also somewhat scared to be seen so fat. i have stretch marks now (to give pointers to how muchni gained how fast) and yes that isn't visible through my clothing, but my clothing doesn't fit anymore! not as i like it. if i were to get a size bigger, my short arms would be lost. my belt doesn't look like i want it either, it's two short stumps when i tie it, because of how big my stomach has gotten. i feel like i don't deserve what i have, not with this body.

and i'm having very similar thoughts about my job. i'm suddenly afraid, both of getting and of not getting it. the realization that i will be moving away indefinitely from everything i know is setting in. i look at my stuff and wonder what i will hang on to, what is still mine and what is already gone. i should be saying goodbye to the city, but i can only do it in my imagination, as in reality, it is not the city i have experienced.

i am aware that just by running and giving up, nothing will get better. i didn't finish my studies and was happy when i made that decision, but then later got back into the same issue i was having before. i feel stuck. is it my parents still offering me money?

i feel terrible about it. i want it, because i want money, it does genuinely help - but i don't want it, i want to be able to do it on my own. why? my instructor had asked for his parents' help when starting his place, why should innot accept what i am offered? damn, i want the money but i don't want the ties that come with it. i feel like i am using them - but they are doing it out of their free will, i'm not blackmailing anyone.

and still i now know that i need to change, somehow, in some way, because otherwise even in the arms of my crush i'd be this same depressed girl.

i keep thinking, what do i need to do? and i realise there's so much that i should have already done. no matter, i'll finish it by the time i have to be there and it will be the same. but other things aren't as easy - i'd love, for example, to have a driver's license. which takes at least a year to get. no way that i could do it all in a month. i feel stuck. i feel like time is explicitly working against me - it's sticky and stretchy, but it all the wrong parts. time is chewed gum.