i've recently realised a thing

 if you've ever found the therapist side of tiktok, i'm sure you've met the concept that "people pleasing is manipulation". and it is a great concept, to be honest, however me and my huge fear of being manipulative even on accident, cannot really work with it.

honestly, i've spent so much of my life trying to time and phrase things in such ways that whoever is listening should experience the least possible discomfort that i am exhausted. i have had it up to my ears with different communication styles, with weighing the tone of my voice and the spiciness of mh words. when i stop with this moderation, words fall from my lips like rocks. i feel horrible. i can see my mother, crushed, curling up, crying - she's like a child, surely, i can make this less difficult. but what she feels is not my problem. i'm not trying to be hurtful, just to express myself.

i've often wished to not be human, to not face difficult (impossible?) choices that might end up hurting someone. i'd love to be a tree, a brick, a bee, hell, even a grain of sand.

but, to recall how i got stung by a bee. it was a complete accident. the bee was possibly already asleep, at dusk, when i set my elbows down on the railing to look at the hustle and bustle of this city, the people walking around the busiest little street of the city. i felt a weird pain that i only started to care about as it grew stronger. and then i understood something has hurt me, i looked at my arm and there it was, the bee's stinger. i was sorry for the bee, it lost its entire life to this stupid accident, but there was nothing for either of us to do.

and as anyone who has ever misplaced a set of keys or glasses will surely know, just because inanimate objects have no choice, doesn't mean they cannot stir up problems.

therefore, not only is people pleasing manipulation, the very thing one attempts people pleasing for is impossible. it is impossible to exist in this world and shrink ourselves down to such an extent that no one will ever be uncomfortable. and thus, if one is already human, let us live without this issue. no one needs to attempt the impossible.