Eyeing the world

 so i talked with my mother while i was at the gym - actually, while working on the punching bag. she told me about her negative experience(s) while job hunting in the city i now live in. she grew up here and wanted to move back, to work as a pharmacist. i remember she interviewed for several jobs, most of them told her 'we'll call you back" which just means "sorry". well, she didn't know that, but that is not the point. one of the jobs took her on for a trial week - she quit after a few days, because she didn't feel capable. and while yes, as a pharmacist you're responsible for people's health, their lives even; i think that might be also in a very large part due to her perfectionism. which is mirrored very nicely in how i am always so scared that whichever company hires me for whatever role, will then later find out i'm not good enough and just fire me. even after all the trainings i'd been through at amazon, which were all intended to e...

and everyone is talking about this stock thing they are doing, good for them; and someone says "the scariest thing in the world are people with nothing left to lose. especially when you realize you have EVERYTHING to lose" and oh damn!, that is exactly my issue. i was in therapy yesterday, and i've been very slowly realizing that i am so deeply afraid of failure, of rejection, of having anything to lose and then losing it - that i don't even want to start. and i was told this is childish, and sure, whatever, it is. but this is where i'm at right now and i donxt know how i'd get out of it. i literally only have about 2000 dollars to my name, and i have given a loan of about 300, and that is all i have, all i am working with, and i'm scared to have more because then i stand the chance of losing it. and failing from the start diesn't scare me nearly as much as failing from some higher avhievement. of course there's the saying that failure is a bruise,...

 let me just update everyone real quick, although no one is as invested and frustrated as i am. i was supposed to have an interview last wednesday. i got an email they couldnt call me. here we go again, i thought, the stupid issue with the phone numbers. so i wrote back and told when i was available (last week). on thursday evening i got my second email, saying they want the interview this week - 'kay, fine, whatever. i sent 4 possible hours for contacting me: monday, tuesday, thursday and friday. naturally, they chose wednesday. that's frustrating, but at least i'll be able to talk about it in therapy - i hope i'll have a more refined feelong of whether i will get the job. amazon sent me an email that they paid me too much and want their money back - for a math tutor, i presume. whatever, it's not much. i want to get back in the cycle i had, waking up at 5 in the morning, but that just resulted in me sleeping through the entire afternoon, with some really fancy nig...

 ugh i just wanna eat like 7 thousand calories in milkshakes, bubble tea, pancakes and a specific type of "tacos" with my friends, then walk around this city like it's the last day on the planet, get each other small gifts to remember us by, take silly photos and end up at the /panoramic viewpoint/ at 2 a.m, looking down at the city and maybe crying a bit inside because all we had and took for granted is slowly fading i want them all to accompany me to the travel agency when i buy my ticket, i want us to go to the airport together, sob dramatically and wave goodbye with paper napkins. i want to be able to call them on a video message immediately as i arrive. i want us to be annoying young girls that you get to see in the media. i'm not sure when i'll see them again and i'd like the goodbye to be memorable...

 if you've ever found the therapist side of tiktok, i'm sure you've met the concept that "people pleasing is manipulation". and it is a great concept, to be honest, however me and my huge fear of being manipulative even on accident, cannot really work with it. honestly, i've spent so much of my life trying to time and phrase things in such ways that whoever is listening should experience the least possible discomfort that i am exhausted. i have had it up to my ears with different communication styles, with weighing the tone of my voice and the spiciness of mh words. when i stop with this moderation, words fall from my lips like rocks. i feel horrible. i can see my mother, crushed, curling up, crying - she's like a child, surely, i can make this less difficult. but what she feels is not my problem. i'm not trying to be hurtful, just to express myself. i've often wished to not be human, to not face difficult (impossible?) choices that might end up hu...

 tell me, why do i want to be everything, why do i need to know it all? i feel knowledge isn't even a curiosity of mine, it is duty. whenever i see a book i feel required to read it and then disappointed if i don't.

 i tried a hair mask, basically. and so far, by experience, the steps of that are 1, get cap out of the pack. careful if using scissors! 2, massage cap to spread mask all over its surface 3, bend, bring all your hair over in front of your face. put on cap. smush any hanging hair under the cap. seal it. 4, do not believe in the cap. after massaging, to spread the mask on your hair as well, tie a towel over the cap. 5, wait for the timer to end. in that time, you can have a raw bar, brush your teeth, apply lip balm, massage yourself with an anti-acne gel and then wash it off... maybe even take photos of some of these. 6, take the towel and the cap off. rinse mask out of hair. 7, apply hair serum to scalp. massage. 8, tie hair up until it dries a bit. i always air-dry my hair, because i'm lazy. it's thin, and inheard heat is damaging ( justification).

 today i feel like i'm slowly getting my life back together. it only took 3 KM trainings, a trip to the gym and some unknown healthy food that contained sesame-crusted salmon. it was amazing! in preparation for the brown exam, i will be doing burpees. today i thought i did 10 but it was in fact only 9, and i feel like i suck at them. i feel too fat to do them properly - my stomach is in the way when i try to bring my legs back. but, no worries - by the time i'm able to do 90 of them in a row, that will surely be less of a problem. i'll need a way to train legs, since i will need to jump a lot. oh, i cannot wait! i also started a diet, today i logged less than 1200 calories but i think i had more, at around 1500 or 1700. that is still quite a large deficit and i'm already worried about how i will be able to keep it up. i know not every day will be easy, and i still want a way to fit some "unhealthy" snacks in, as a treat. as balance. as whatever we wish, since ...

 i still have second thoughts. the realization that i'll leave everything i know - i don't know. but today i saw this tiktok card reading (and this is where i think i sound silly). it somehow managed to match my situation, saying i'm at a crossroads, and i need to choose between... well, it was a love reading but i interpret it for my career, AND that in the end it will work out for me, that the choice i make is the correct one. and even without cards: the choice i make is the correct one. this is my decision and i'm gonna own it.

 i'm suddenly not wanting it. just realized how much it will be - one month of stress and moving and my money getting less and less before i finally can get on a plane to move to an entirely different country. people will pick me up at the airport - but theh are people i'd never seen before. i just feel like i will miss everything i have now. by the way, i passed the german test. this is what made it too real. i guess it is the same sentiment as with my crush, i long for him, but sometimes i wonder if it were actually a good thing for us to meet up. wish me luck!!

cw: trauma, eating/food, internet.  is alivia getting cancelled? i really hope she isn't, i did genuinely love her content. i have to admit, i don't exactly vibe with her latest video though, especially this quote: "the scars on our brain are a reminder that our past is real, but it's up to us to grind those scars down into a fine powder until they no longer affect the outcome of our life". i genuinely detest this quote. i don't recall where she took it from, a type of self-help book by some dude. and while i am trying to find what i hate in it, i've come to a certain understanding of it: the quote acts as if there is a pure version of us under all the conditioning and trauma that we must unearth - for what purpose? to live life to the fullest? to be happy? to succeed in capitalism? i haven't the slightest idea. and sure, some of us already had an entire personality before they endured some sort of trauma. but others have grown up with small events tha...

 i had my german test interview today. 4 questions. i feel i could answet adequately, but omg!!, the first, the very first question was "explain (in german, haha) how one creates an e-mail address".  and you could threaten me with a gun to my head, i don't recall! i haven't made e-mail addresses in a decade! oh, how time flies. haha. either way, i feel it was a success. or, at the very least, not the worst i could have been. let us hope

 I had my interview today. Despite all my fears, it seems i wasn't "punished" for that mistake with my phone numbers. the guy that did the interview with me seemed so friendly. i honestly think it went well - he told me that they want to do a language test with a native german speaker - it would be about 15 minutes. it is tomorrow. i am so excited! today i went out to the panoramic viewpoint a nd i am sort of slowly saying goodbye to my city already. i will miss it so much, and i am especially sad because i cannot do this with my friends. in a normal year, we'd go out for a drink to celebrate all this. perhaps i could convince some of them to come with me for a long long walk, all over the city, to take silly photos and act like tourists. it wiuld be a nice memory to have, and yet this year denies it all to me. i want to have one last coffee from the coffee machine and eat nothing else all day, to jump around the place like a little kid. i want to eat some scary-looki...

do i wanna travel or do i just wanna escape do i wanna see the world or do i just have commitment issues tune in to find out!

 a piece of advice: triple check that your current phone number is displayed on your resume. an F in the chat for me? hopefully tomorrow they will still call. oh i am so embarrassed.

 my first why is: why not? but since so many people in my life keep asking why, i'll try to elaborate. it is hard though, because all i know is that my heart wants to run. i know that the world, this planet is marvelous and i know that if i dedicate my life to it, i will still not have seen more than one country. i know i will not experience everything - and as of yet, i'm kind of picky, i don't even want to. i crave seeing new things. i want to feel the heat of the sun on my skin, i want to get lost among people, be that the locals or a group of tourists. i want to see miracles. it is the first time since... too long, that i am craving life. i want to be in the middle of it all, as i have said. but why do i want this? why is the fireplace of the family home not good for me? why not settle to knit socks? why on earth would a young lady such as myself, not look to marriage but to danger? i guess, the american way of answering that would be "danger is my middle name...

even though i've once in my life considered moving to Portugal for a job, i did not bother to learn the language until 2020. that happened because i met a wonderful man from Brazil who helped me realize i'd need to know Portuguese for my martial arts "career" - and because i was working for amazon, who offered language workshops starting from may. so i started on duolingo and with the help of - dare i say my crush? - i progressed quite fucking exponentially. the workshops helped, too, but here comes the problem: the workshops taught us the European version, while my dear teacher taught me his own. i ended up learning the Brazilian pronounciation, as i find it much easier. both have their charm, obviously, but the European feels a bit harsh and fragmented, sort of like German or a Slavic language would to American ears. short diversion: with amazon, i was trying to get relocated to Brazil, but they only had some engineering position in São Paulo, which did not fit me a...

 it has been almost a decade, since i've started this blog. i only posted four things (that are now unpublished) and now i drastically want to change what i'm using this platform for. and as such, i will be changing the look. a lot. after the hell year of 2020 (which, for me, came after an especially beautiful and fulfilling 2019), i'm now looking forward to a job where i'd be moving to Portugal. i'm going to document the process here, as i'm learning more and such. i will actually set a reminder for myself, to journal and such, so that i can give regular updates on this. it seems like a grand adventure! and why am i doing this? why not! i love writing. initially, this blog would have been about just that - advice, book reviews, such and such. so if people will be into it, this will be an interesting experience to share - and i cannot wait! so, for anyone seeing this as it goes live: i have a phone interview for said job in about 3 hours - wish me luck!