Shadow

 i've heard this concept a few times during the last year. first, it was on some witchy tiktoks, a "friendly reminder to do your shadow work", and i had absolutely no clue what that could mean.

my mother read some books about childhood trauma, and talked to me about how not only do people have an inner child, this child has two aspects: one is your shadow child, all the times you've felt rejected, for example, and one is your sunshine child, the moments you've felt happy.

then, finally, my man came along and told me that the shadow is a concept in jungian psychology, and what is meant by it is all the parts of one's personality that are repressed or rejected.

and, well, in my life it was this shadow that got me into martial arts. i was (am?) really interested in death, how monumental and mundane it is, and how causing death is supposed to leave a stron emotional impact. before i started, i didn't really reject or repress any of that, i was after all a teenager, trying to be edgy and stuff like that. only as i fell in love with the techniques i was doing did i understand that if i kept this fascination around, i might be made to leave. after all, i wouldn't want to teach dangerous things to a person who might be a little too eager to use it. and now, i'm here, loving what i do, but a bit ashamed about how i got into it. in fact, it seems ridiculous, somehow, but it also seems like this huge secret i should never tell anyone. which, to be fair, mostly just makes it worse. i don't know how to talk about it, because the story feels ridiculous (i'm not even telling it here because of that) and i'm scared that i'll be judged for it, that there's something wrong with me, that i'll be put into a mental hospital, or on some watchlist. well, i didn't DO anything, and i keep telling myself that.

i don't feel like i could trust anyone with this story. others, i can talk about all day and all night, but not this one.