More weight loss stuff

 I am honestly beyond shocked with what has happened to me so far. Yes, I did go into this with the expectation to actually get down to 100 kg by the end of it, which would be around 2kgs a week lost, and I still feel attached to that outcome, but much, much less. I can definitely feel that my mental health is better, it is like I'm a new person now. I hear my coworkers complaining and my brain goes "couldn't be me". But then, at the same time, it says "remember when this was, indeed, us?" and of course I remember. I do feel like exercise is the thing that's keeping me out of that horrible rut I'd fallen into in 2020.

So, now, as I'm at the end of my first Insanity cycle (one week left!!), let's sum up what expectations I had and didn't have, and how I did on them so far! I actually put all the things into an Excel sheet, thinking it'd be really helpful for me to track. And boy, am I tracking! I'm tracking my weight daily, the weekly average, and then I'm tracking my BMR, fat, muscle and water percentages, and a bunch of measurements, to see, where I end up losing fat (and when). I also added the tracking of lost hairs, because I know that very intense weight loss (or maybe it is the circumstances of the weight loss, not exactly the weight itself) can cause hair loss, and I'm not quite down for that. But today we'll be going through my Expectations panel.

What do I expect of Insanity?

1, Weight loss. A maximum of 10 kgs lost in the first 60 days. Also, to lose a bit off my stomach, maybe not have an apron stomach anymore. Though my skin is stretched, so IDK.

2, Also, my second time, don't wanna go lower than 90.

3, Muscle percentage gain.

4, better stamina. to be able to do more exercises, last more in each set.

5, better mental health. I don't specifically want the highs, I want the balance. I want my weekly score consistently over 4.3 (and yet I didn't add a column to track this! Awful.)

So, now, let's comment on each. Very strictly speaking, today I have lost the 10 kilos - that is the difference I have from my first weigh-in day and today. I started at 112 kilos and today morning I was exactly 102. But my actual goal here, that I was kind of afraid to put down on paper, was to get to 100. not lower than 100, that's for the summer, but I have very mixed feelings about this. See, I have in fact achieved the goal I put down on paper, and I technically have one more week to achieve the one I just set in my mind; but I'm very conflicted, because I don't think it would be healthy. Still, I have lost 10 kilos, and it's wonderful. Not the weight loss itself, but how it generally makes me feel. I can walk fast again, I don't have lower back pain anymore (though I do have some knee pain, and I'm gonna spend a bit of time taking really good care of them before starting this thing again).

I have also gotten rid of the apron stomach. It still pokes out above my groin, but earlier, it was actually touching the skin below it, like my breasts do, and that was just overall uncomfortable. First, I didn't even notice when it was gone - since it had to have happened gradually. One day I just noticed how my stomach wasn't touching the skin under it, I went and checked in a mirror, and was right. On another note, and I didn't think this would be noticeable, I feel my breasts have gotten smaller as well. I'm so damn happy about it! I genuinely wouldn't mind being flat. However much I lose off of them, I'll be infinitely glad for.

Now, on number 2, I cannot really comment, because this is just my first time. I think the weight loss will slow down (in fact, it's already slower), so maybe I'll get to 93. Which is in fact in the allotted interval, but, again, 90 is sort of the goal here, but it's set as a stopping point instead of a goalpost.

Number 3: muscle percentage gain. I did really well here, because on my first week, my muscle percentage was 29,9 and the last time I measured, it was 35 and something. That on its own made me really happy already, but I wasn't sure if I was actually gaining muscle, maintaining what I already had, or losing it, but at a lesser rate than fat: so I did some maths. Turns out, I gained half a kilogram of muscle! Which, combined with the fact that I lost about 10 kilos by now, means I lost about 10,5 of fat, and gained that half back with muscle. Anyway, I'm in love with this result and very, very proud of myself for it.

Better stamina? This one is way too subjective. The Insanity workouts are HARD. If you go as intended, you'll be spitting your lungs out each time. What is intended? Simple, you have to give your max. Even when I try to pace myself, because I know the workout is long, I'll be dead at the end, and when I have the fit test, I of course have to go all in, so it ends with me laying on the floor and gasping for life. I do think my stamina is better, though: I did some running the other day, on a treadmill, and running for three minutes straight was actually enjoyable. I felt my legs getting into the rhythm of the music, my brain was just flooded with the movement, and I had plenty of air. It was, truly, a state of Flow that I rarely experience outside of exercise (sometimes, when I'm writing). In february of 2020, I was at the gym, attempting a 4x10 minutes run, with 1 minute of break after each 10, and it was the same state of flow, but it ended up being interrupted by a friend and gone forever (well, maybe not forever, but an entire year). And how do I even say this? After having weighed 115 kilos, with difficulty walking outside, after having had two days of back pain when I attempted to run, that Flow felt like I am saved. Movement is one of my biggest pleasures, in fact, and I am really happy to be getting it back. I am really frustrated with this point, though, because I didn't really establish a measurement - how will I know my stamina is better? It is too subjective, and just in the Insanity stuff, I'm not feeling it; maybe I will in my second cycle.

Better mental health, finally. Yes, my scores are high, and lows are few. But it wasn't actually Daylio that made me realize how happy I am, it was, in fact, the day I decided to fold my clothes. It was boring as hell. It made me want to just run out of the world. But I stayed, because maybe there was a philosophical lesson in folding clothes. There were two, in fact: one is that I hate folding clothes even more than washing dishes and the second.... the second was that life is actually about 80% boring. Yes, the 80/20 rule can suck my dick, it's everywhere and everyone tries to apply it all the time, and when I connected it to folding clothes, it made me want to punch myself. But really, about 80% of life is the boring stuff. Some of it is routine that we don't even notice, and some is stuff we're genuinely bored with. And yet, we can't have the fun part without this boredom. Not solely as a baseline, but all the tasks of self-care are boring. For example, I am really envious of influencers: they just take photos of themselves, and people follow them, and then brands wanna give them money. But they have to fold their clothes, buy toilet paper, clean their houses, too. Well, unless they are really rich, but that just drives so much disconnect into it, that I would be instantly unfollowing anyone if I found out they had maids or stuff. On the one hand, this sounds like I'm really sourly envious and trying to de-glamorize their lifestyle, to put up with not being one of them. Yes, there might be some elements of that in here, too; but on the other hand, I think I have to realize that ultimately we're all humans, and there are things that are common in everyone. It is really the mundane stuff that connects us, and of course, we want to ultimately stand out. There is nothing wrong with either: with having a lot of mundane stuff in our lives, with being similar to others, with wanting to stand out or with actually standing out.

So, yes, my measurement for mental health is how willing I am to clean things.