Mental Health - General

 So, 2020 hit me quite hard. I could play it in any direction, in fact; i could say i'm lucky for not getting the virus and already being vaccinated, and for finding this wonderful man of mine... or i could just as well say that it wrecked my mental health, deprived me of contact with my friends, even maybe that the events caused me to gain circa 25 kgs.

It also made me wonder. What was it, that didn't allow my brain to tank like that, since apparently exercise is my main antidepressant. It isn't always efficient, but greatly improves my quality of life. And I recalled that not only did I go to some classes (kids aerobic and ballet) when i was 8-14 years old, I did in fact start to get worse mental health after I stopped with ballet.

I did that for two reasons: my old classmates made fun of me for it, and I wanted to give myself a better chance at socialising with my new class, and the surgery I had to get on my thyroid, which brought me a one-month sit-down prescription. I am missing balet terribly now, and I intended to take it up again, I even found some adult classes - and then 2020 happened.

In the new school I went to, gym classes were a lot less intensive, too. In my free time, I sometimes went jogging, biking, or orienteering, but eventually I ended up slowly slipping downhill.

It was circa 2013 that I noticed I was in a terrible mood, but I ascribed it to puberty and the current learning material. Only now, that I'm actually feeling well, do I stop and think that maybe there was something going wrong with me. Well, I did think that I had a problem back then, too: I assumed it was anti-social personality disorder. I was, after all, constantly bored. I would have given anything for a change. Though I was quite unwilling to manipulate or lie to people, I was very much down to lie to the quizzes I did, to plump up my score from a potential 2 into a 10 or even a 14. And I thought, what is the difference, I am lying to a quiz, so I could lie to a person - never mind that I am the most painfully empathetic and honest person in my family (or even life...?).

Now we encounter the question: why didn't it stop when I went away from home and started training KM? Well, I'd say that's the million dollar question. I did have very low moods, and I don't want to ascribe it to university, even though it might actually be responsible for that. I was feeling a lot of uncertainty that seems gone now that I have a job. I was feeling that throughout my entire carreer at university, throughout my unemployment phase, and to be very honest, I'm scared I'd feel it when I get out of this company and start my own thing. That's a longer plan, though. I'll give myself at least three years on it.

On the other hand, happiness is a bit uncomfortable. I don't feel like myself, and I have to keep telling myself that that is completely okay, since I am becoming a new person now. And yet, this new me has something to lose, which just terrifies me. I don't want to go back to that depressive mess I felt I was in, and this happiness feels fragile. I really want to hang onto it, but on the other hand, hanging on to it doesn't feel like good policy: I actually want to make my home inside it. I have simply no idea how that will happen, but I will make it happen.