EMMH 5 - Random

 Anyone who's ever tried to change their body on purpose would know that sometimes your body's plans don't really align with yours. And I don't strictly mean weight loss here, though this is the area I have the most experience in. The only time I don't hit a plateau is when I eat "normally", that is, without any purpose or goal, just when I want to; because then I can go up up up as much as... well, I can't say I'd like. And I bet it would be harder if I was actually trying to bulk.

But where exactly is the balance between loving your body in every shape or form, and taking care of it? I only presume there's something twisty here because of internalised fatphobia (I presume). After all, you can be healthy at a heavier weight, and even better, health is not an indication of worth. The thing is, though, that health is a goal of mine. Not my only one, I want some aesthetics to happen, too, but without doing all the stuff I'm doing in a healthy way, it isn't worth doing at all.

After all, I learned self-love when I was not only "out of shape", but had actual pain because of the weight I was trying to carry. I still haven't found a set point, my body seems like it's this moon sand you get for kids, it will just go with whatever shape it can. I'm liquid. And it wasn't only my own doing, either. After all, having to face your new, fatter body can have various effects, self-love isn't the only possible outcome. In fact, it is possible to just deny how fat you are (the same with any eating or self-image disorder, I believe), you can keep saying it's not that bad, and I might have gone down that road. Needing to face how fat I became (and to be fair, I was just starting to get into "plus size", I could even shop in straight size shops), I was faced with the fact that I couldn't walk far without needing to take a break. It was the mask, I said. I also ripped my last pair of good jeans, and when I tried to buy new ones, none fit me. This was shocking. I didn't want to go into The Plus Size Store, which is literally named "clothes for fat people", it doesn't even have a codename or something. To be fair, I'd never seen people enter or leave that store, but I knew exactly where it was and also knew I wouldn't go there. Yes, all this was my internalized fatphobia dancing around in my head. What I could absolutely not ignore, though, was the back pain that came with walking, and, after I was about two kilos lighter, running. I thought I could attempt a run, after all, I loved it - and I ended up not walking at all later that day, because my entire body was in pain. I wanted to lose weight, not only for the jeans, but for running. The thought that I would never be able to run again if I stayed as fat was devastating. There was, of course, some (useless) shame in the phrase "I'm too fat to run", but I literally was, and I didn't want to give up that joy.

This actually didn't help at all. But I saw a lot of fat people on tiktok, just having fun (I needed to skip over innumerable "dunking on the bullies" videos, as those were incredibly hurtful to me), so after all, the world still wasn't over. I couldn't wait, of course, till it was, because I still needed to live sometime.

And, I'll have to admit, having my man helped me the most. Being desired by a person I also want did more for my self-image than any affirmations ever have. I am so eternally grateful for all the good I've gotten from him, this whole experience turned me into a different person. He is the best thing to have happened to me in the past year, and I'll have to say he's tied for first place with my trip to Mexico in 2019 for the past four or so years. And, in some cases, he just treats me as a human, and perhaps I shouldn't be floored by that... but for so long I'd been treated as a problem. I have to say, I find it amazing, he's older than me and more experienced in anything, basically, and never once did I feel like I was being condescended to. I think I'm typing this to say to myself that decent men do exist, and while being treated as an equal in a conversation is supposed to be the norm, it so often isn't. So I am sorry, I really don't want to give the impression that you'll only find self-love if you are in a relationship; in fact I'd hate to read that advice. 

What I'm saying is the input you get from your daily life definitely matters. If you swim in saltwater, you'll end up salty, if you swim in the sewer, you'll end up smelly, if you shower with some nice shampoo, you'll be soft and scented. It's very difficult to change this daily input, and while virtual is a good start, I'm not sure it's enough. After all, I tried a lot, on facebook, on tumblr, on pinterest, and I was still the same, maybe not explicitly more depressed from the memes I saw, but my view didn't really seem to shift. I think you need a person who actually values you, be that a friend, lover, family member, or your therapist. Mine also said I mattered to her, to my genuine shock, but it isn't an equal relationship after all, she's supposed to help me.

I wouldn't advise getting a partner just for this, though. First, because we accept the love we think we deserve, and second, because it would be entirely selfish on the seeker's part. There has to be a good way, another way, some chances for everyone, so maybe this will only be mine.

Now, I'm facing another issue, that just keeps eating away at me. I am losing weight fast, yes, but it's bouncy. I'll lose 3 kilos, gain 1 back, the next day, a half back, and then I lose them by a few hundred grams each day. I try not to get emotional about this, and I think I'll have to set a new number. I'd only set a maximum that I think was still healthy and achievable to reach, and now I kinda really want to reach that number exactly. On days when I weigh less, I worry I'll go over... but on days I weigh more (with seemingly no immediate reason) I worry again... that I won't reach the goal. Maybe I should stop checking my weight until the next Fit Test? Or is there a way to be less emotionally attached to this?