You know what? I'm going to dictate this post

 So... I got fake nails for the first ever time in my life, and I also enjoy trying the speech to text feature on this lovely phone.

I was really really excited to try fake nails because for a long time in my life they have been the symbol of hyperfemininity that I always felt like rejecting; and it's always looked like something that I should not try I should not want and it was really curious like is it actually for me?? Because honestly all the girls and women that I have seen with fake nails are honestly drop dead gorgeous and I've never felt like that. and I was convinced that, you know, they are not useful. I was joking a lot about how I would be basically helpless if I had long nails because they don't allow you to make a fist, actually. But also precisely because it felt like something completely out of my comfort zone I was intrigued to try them because I love a challenge, apparently. So I did what everyone would do and booked a session.

And actually that nail artist that I went to was really cute... and really cool about all of this. I honestly felt like a fish out water.

 it took 3 hours. I went there 9 in the morning - I didn't even have the time to have breakfast before! I bought something in a fast food shop and managed to stain my clothes with it. and immediately I was thinking "oh my god this is so not for me, i'm so visibly not in my element" but I got there. and it's mesmerizing, honestly, all the work that she had to do on my nails... I don't even remember the steps.

 I sort of understand now that for many people this is like therapy; because you go there almost at the same infervals (and it's actually the same price that I would be paying for my therapist to meet up) and you have all this time with basically a stranger that you will get to know, who has a completely other perspective on life, and who has many other clients so they know stuff and you get to unload all the bullshit that has been going wrong with you. And she was encouraging me to talk while I was there as she was doing my nails. I felt like I had nothing to say - but precisely because of that, I think it's so easy to just end up venting about all of your problems; and it feels like a huge relief because you do have someone that listens to you and you get art at the end! you don't get the assignments, you don't get to the processing of all your negative thoughts and feelings, but you do get to tell to let out all the steam...and I would actually recommend it to to my friends, because they don't want to go to therapy and they do need something.

And actually let me talk about them for a bit too, the nails i got are medium length, black and square. i was actually very confused about nail sizing but we managed to figure out that an S would most likely mean a total of 2 centimetres of nail (built on top of yours) and then an M is 2,5 and an L is 3. now what this means is that it would be measured from the literal base of your nails and therefore it's very hard to say how long it will turn out. in fact I only got to understand this when she put on this sticker thing that guarded a lot of skin on my finger and that she built the actual nail on!

but don't, please do not get me started on the UV lamp!! everyone knows - I mean everyone that has had nails like this - knows that the UV lamp can hurt. it will get hot very suddenly and it can feel like someone is hitting a hot nail through your fingertip it's lovely honestly... actually the nail artist said that she's convinced that whenever people have their nails drying in the UV lamp they are secretly cursing her. Another thing that might hurt is that some nail artists cut the skin off your finger. I mean obviously not all the skin, but they do cut the cuticles and a very little part around your nail. I heard that this is actually A Dangerous Thing because it is a living tissue that they're cutting off and it increases chances of infection which I am very much not a fan of, but I decided to risk it this one time.

The results, though! the results are beautiful! I still need to develop a lot of confidence in telling her about adjustments that I would like to make, because the longer I have these nails on the more I feel like "hmm, maybe this little 2mm Edge could be modified" or such things. then everyone I tell is mesmerized by this. they are called so off guard by the fact that I chose to put these fake plastic things on my hands that it's ridiculous. I love it! I told one of my friends that - no I didn't like tell her, actually! I sent her a picture of my hands and she asked me if I got these fake nails done - I had already discussed with her before that I was interested in the fake nails - and she was like "I have never thought that you would actually have them"... sigh. my mother was surprised all the same.

another thing that I really like about that the nails is they change the look of my hands. the look and the feel of them! because now I feel like my fingers are a bit longer, a little bit more aesthetically pleasing and such, and it's actually terrifying to think that I would have them taken off because I remember how my hands looked and I didn't actually like that. but I WILL need to take the nails off because I am in fact very vulnerable with this, i cannot make a fist with them on my hand. I mean I can still kick and I can punch with the edge of my hand but they thought that I cannot make a Fist brings me into a completely different mindset. not only the fist, actually, because it's the same when I have to put on my clothes, and when I have to reach for something, and when I have to put on my mask... it's a very different way of grabbing, it's a very different way of pushing buttons and it's also a very different way of using my phone! I have not yet figured out how to type long paragraphs with these nails on so I ended up using the speech to text feature.