deep dark thoughts

 so then, let's document my journey towards employment?

i dunno. what i do know is that my work at amazon had me burnt out and depressed. i was in quite the downward spiral, unempland not even looking for about 8 weeks, not caring for anything in the world. i had very dark thoughts and honestly i still feel stuck and unmotivated, but now i do have the energy to get out of bed, to go and train, and while that doesnt fix all the darkness, it does bring a bit of fun and joy into it.

and i'd love to be an influencer or something, a wise person, a lifestyle coach; i'd love to give a simple three to ten step guide of how to get out of a pandemic and seasonal depression spiral, i literally cannot. and i believe no one can. while the people i know that have depression act very concerned and think i have it (and while i personally also do), no psychiatrist has said so. the most drastic thing/ treatment i'd been offered were sleeping pills for a month.

it was not an officially recognised Depression™️ , and even better, my getting better was an entire accident.

it happened thanks to my entirely fucked sleep cycle. i was on the phone with my best friend, at 1 a.m, as one does in a pandemic, talking about random things, such as life, boys and hopelessness. and i was also browsing jobs, because talking to people (and not being pressured) actually motivated me to do it. i might need to stream my job search! anyway, i applied for this job, and maybe 2 more that night. 

i was so excited. i was shaking! i was imagining myself in a dress, with lemonade in my hand, suntanned, walking on a cobblestone street. i was imagining myself, trying to buy some random thing in a supermarket in my Brazilian accent. i was imagining living with coworkers, how i'd need to cook again, how i'd have a wall of photos and fairy lights. nothing has given me such joy for more than a year. when in 2019 i was contacted by a recruiter company, to work for amazon, i felt very similar. i was stunned. i was noticed! and i'd be paid! my learning German did pay off! all those kids who called me a n!zi* can now suck it, because it did bring me something good!

i thought i'd be living the dream. the dream that would finally allow - hell, require!! - me to throw out my old clothes, to sell the books i don't want, to move out of this old apartment. i still feel that i need some outside pressure to make order in my life.

is that what others, or people who genuinely are depressed, need? how should i know?

i genuinely needed to care. i do care about other things, or at least i think so, because of my politics, my family, my plants... the only one i donxt care about is myself. and the outside pressure is actually not enough - for me to want to accept the pressure and work under it, i need to be genuinely excited about the goal. which is hard, i've talked to my therapist about that: my personal narrative, my inner monologue says i cannot be happy.

i have to fight this thought with my entire existence, because i deserve happiness, the same as anyone else does.

*censoring to minimise possibility of any rightwing people finding my blog.