News.

after yesterday's awful online tests, worsened by my ancient laptop, i am now told my german isn't good enough. Fair. that's what i've been so damn afraid of.

but now...? i've been so invested in this concept of moving to portugal. i feel like i'm that one girl who always dreams and never does anything about it - which is, in this case, unrealistic. i know i've done what i could, but there's this nagging voice in my head - did i really? did i really go above and beyond, did i strain myself to all ends? and to that, the answer is no. i did definitely stay inside my comfort zone, but i did stay within the limits of my abilities. i've been fired from a voulnteering opportunity, where i had been going above and beyond. i did all sorts of things that, precisely because of them, i swore never to do again. the one thing i most definitely regret from that was giving up on my trainings. not long-term, i just had to skip one or two a month, or choose new time intervals. in the end, nothing of it paid off. i did get to see some shows for free, but in february, they called a special meeting and told the few of us that were specifically invited to that that it was the end. which hurt like an actual breakup. 

after this one thing i decided never to actually care again. i now know that i have to prioritise my own life and wellness over work, because work does not care. therefore i did not get invested in my one month packaging job or my three month cashier job OR my one year adventure at amazon. i was just trying to make money, maybe learn a bit. i did, in fact, i learned that warehouses can be amazing, i learned how to use a cash register, i learned portuguese. i am young and my brain acts like a sponge - when it is in the mood.

i emailed the guy i did interviews with before. asked him if there are any opportunities with other languages, seeing as i know many. i'm acceptable with 5 (although 2 of them i feel more and more insecure about), so that should bring something. i also started applying again. and there are two more things i should do today, for other job opportunities. right now it's all whatever, though. i'm gonna sleep.

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