News?

Let me tell y'all i am so SO frustrated. the last time i wrote was the day i last spoke to my recruiter - after that, i had a really tough weekend that i have no idea how i actually managed to survive.

on monday, i started physiotherapy for my right ankle, which has a weird story. to put it shortly, in the span of 12 months, i managed to twist/sprain/ hurt it 6 times, the first 4 all happening within 30 days of each other. whoch was good, it does give me a sense of direction with my life.

but today, oh today i had an interview! and it went horribly (in my opinion). at the beginning, i could not for the life of me understand what my recruiter was saying. like all i knew in german had been sucked out from my head. like my brain had been insulated and her words couldn't get through. i did not have this problem when i did the test with the company that was pre-selecting me. we were on the brink of giving up. and i almost had a panic attack at the thought of having forgotten so much that i'd need to gove up this opportunity. i felt lost. i felt as if the kitchen i was talking from had been spiraling into a darkness around me.

but then i finally managed to attune my brain to her speech. barely. and she called me to send me some links that led to tests i needed to do, the results of which we will discuss tomorrow. that was literally all we had scheduled the appointment for. i was beyond frustrated. i still am. i did the tests, though my laptop did everything in its power to mess that up for me, and i am very much considering the possibility that they will not hire me - and also reconsidering if i want this job.

at the moment, i don't. i am genuinely afraid of waking up one day and needing to work and my brain not clicking and just sitting there, being yelled at by an angry customer, and i almost get a panic attack at the simple thought of it. i am genuinely afraid to get a job like this one.

however it is still the only job i want in any degree. if i didn't care about it, i wouldn't care about the chances of performing badly. 

well, if this doesn't work out, i'll just move home and work in registering for the vax campaign. that is not what i want to do with my life, though. i want to travel, to get lost in the world, to allow old buildings to burn into my retina, to have saltwater on my face and to hear people speak and not understand them without concentrating. i want to see the miracles of the world, i already know enough of its sufferings (and i've barely experienced the surface)!