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EMMH Part three - Before and after

 (content warning: negative body talk examples) So, I just posted a before and after pic on my insta. Well, technically, it is a before and during photo, because I'm like 30 something days into this 60 day project. The point is, I'm showing off all the centimeters I've lost in these past days, that I'm celebrating that my body is smaller, that I'm 5 or 6 kilograms closer to being conventionally attractive. And I'm also not posting myself from all angles, because I cannot stand how I look from the back. I don't even have a shape! I do want to defend my use of the picture, but why do I feel like I have to defend it? Well, I have to defend it from my own self, because she can, sometimes, get bad feelings when hearing about weight loss, or about such transformations. And I could say a lot of things that would go like "health at every size, but that size was not healthy for me", and it would feel like conventional babble, like simple filler. And I did w...
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 so, our class is organizing a 10 year anniversary meetup. at first, i absolutely disregarded the notification. who cares? i was always above caring about all these people. but then, the memories - the good, the bad, the embarrassing - started coming back to me. whatever happened with the barely 18 girl who hooked up with a teacher? and with the snobby idiots? should i want to see these people? am i cool and nonchalant, or is it a sad testament to my broken soul that i do not wish to follow up with these folks? and, just as i started thinking about a good reason to go or an even better one to decline, my brain just gave up on it. don't go, it decided, we haven't amounted to anything. it's been 10 years and you've gained how many kilos of fat again? some of these classmates had gotten married, given birth, started on their dream carreers, while you dropped out of college, gotten fat, kept the superiority complex and don't even have a one night stand to show for it. i...
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 tell me, why do i want to be everything, why do i need to know it all? i feel knowledge isn't even a curiosity of mine, it is duty. whenever i see a book i feel required to read it and then disappointed if i don't.
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