I re-read my post about what I plan to do after reaching my goal weight, and, of course, I have some comments to add.

Since September, I've been feeling less amazing, even though the workouts still keep me going. My weight is quite firmly stuck at 92 kilos, which is not an issue. I also introduced a No-scale November, because I was curious, what effect it would have on my mental health to not have to step on a scale every morning, and, I hate to admit this, but compare the number to expectations and performances. I have days where I eat a lot, and then weigh less the next day, but more on the third and fourth. I have days where I don't feel like exercising, and, of course, I have days when I just go wild and almost end myself with a workout.

I actually started journaling and meditating, and they are genuinely awesome habits for me right now.

I have a slight problem though: I have no idea what my body looks like anymore. I find strange confidence in comparing myself to old photos, but I also don't want to feed into (internalized?) fatphobia. It is a lot for me, but I want my mind to be healthy as well.

Some other day I found a directory where people posted their selfies and weight, looked at some women who are my height and goal weight. They looked almost scarily thin. I feel like I could not look like that and still be healthy. I'm scared of looking like that - I'd genuinely not recognize myself in the mirror. I don't have to worry, though, my current target is 80. By end of December. How am I going to accomplish that with a NoScaleNovember? I don't really care. I just want to be healthy, in all possible aspects, I want to be glowing and confident and healed.

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