Aren't you terrified?

 This is the question I ask myself before every workout, every time I look in the mirror, before falling asleep, and in so many other situations that I couldn't possibly count them all.

I ask myself this, because I'm hoping the answer will be "no, there's nothing to be scared of".

I don't want to set this up as being afraid to be fat again. I'm still fat, and my goal weight is specifically more than what's "appropriate" for my height. What I am afraid of, is seeing all the effort go to waste. Yo-yo dieting, that's what I'm scared of. I know my worth as a person, I know the worth of my skills and knowledge, but the emotional states I'd experienced and that led to me gaining so much weight in the first place terrify me.

I'm not the woman who eats her feelings anymore.

I have to do this affirmation-style. As much as taking all this one day at a time feels easy at times, I'm already looking months into the future, to the designated day when my second Insanity cycle ends, and I'm not sure where I'll be going after. I want to start to build muscle in autumn, and then to go back to losing weight in December. After all, I'd already managed once to be home for the holidays, to enjoy that time and still lose weight. But I honestly have a knot in my stomach as I'm typing this.

I close my eyes and imagine myself, in the mirror, at my goal weight. I see my smaller boobs and I see some ab definition, thinner legs that are just as strong, and some definition in my jawline. I feel all the effort it took to get there and the happiness it brings to have conquered such a goal. It will take a year, the same time it'll take to get enough money to go see my partner. Oh, the times we'll have!

But yes, I'm terrified. I'm scared of how my work will be, I'm scared of how life will be when I'm thin, I'm scared to meet him because I think all of this will only bring me pain. I can go in two directions with this: i can say that so far I've been quite accepting of the pain, or I can bring up examples of how that pain will be accompanied by much greater pleasure overall.

I deserve the pleasure. I can handle the pain. I am so much stronger than either of them. I am so much stronger than I think now.

I wrote all the above on April 25. Now I know that there is indeed nothing to be scared of. The things I did and went through are amazing for my own mind, and I wish I could tell you: there really is nothing to be scared of. I'm waiting for you, on the other end of all of this, (at the moment, still healing) and I'm holding my hands out because I wish I could give you a hug. You are my miracle.