Eyeing the world

 So... I got fake nails for the first ever time in my life, and I also enjoy trying the speech to text feature on this lovely phone. I was really really excited to try fake nails because for a long time in my life they have been the symbol of hyperfemininity that I always felt like rejecting; and it's always looked like something that I should not try I should not want and it was really curious like is it actually for me?? Because honestly all the girls and women that I have seen with fake nails are honestly drop dead gorgeous and I've never felt like that. and I was convinced that, you know, they are not useful. I was joking a lot about how I would be basically helpless if I had long nails because they don't allow you to make a fist, actually. But also precisely because it felt like something completely out of my comfort zone I was intrigued to try them because I love a challenge, apparently. So I did what everyone would do and booked a session. And actually that nail arti...

 i will bring more updates as they happen.

 we've seen 365 days. i think it's best described as 50 shades of beauty and the mafia beast. after the Boat Scene, i finally understand why tiktok thirst traps use the song I see red. what i'm saying, in short, is that it doesn't seem deep. it's fun, it might be packed with fanservice, but where is the Artistic Value? I have found some right in the intro - well, right after its 5 year timeskip. so, let's first describe the shots i will be talking about.  firstly, we have our male lead, Massimo, the new head of a Sicilian mafia family, talking business in san francisco. his requests and then blackmailnare intercut with a meeting of the female lead, Laura, over some project she had supervised. both characters demonstrate their wits, skills in their job and dominance in the meeting. then, they are left alone at their respective tables. we cut to each of them on their way in a car, M receives a sexy video whereas L shoots one of herself. Laura arrives home and we m...

 but there was not much i could write about. just a few jobs, all turning me down, and me feeling more and more desperate. none of that are things i'd want to share in greater detail. now, however, i'm looking forward to another interview for a job i'd enjoy, with the slight drawback of spending the entire summer abroad, no exceptions ever. it would make me miss a belt exam, but also would pay well. i'd learn some nice skills, too, and get (possibly) breathtaking content for my insta. nice, lol. no to be too dramatic, but if i don't get this job, i have literally no clue what to do. i will try to work in the vaccination campaign, and perhaps that is a lot more useful, but i feel entirely deflated. that, however, is a tale for when things turn good, because they must. i insist.

 so then, let's document my journey towards employment? i dunno. what i do know is that my work at amazon had me burnt out and depressed. i was in quite the downward spiral, unempland not even looking for about 8 weeks, not caring for anything in the world. i had very dark thoughts and honestly i still feel stuck and unmotivated, but now i do have the energy to get out of bed, to go and train, and while that doesnt fix all the darkness, it does bring a bit of fun and joy into it. and i'd love to be an influencer or something, a wise person, a lifestyle coach; i'd love to give a simple three to ten step guide of how to get out of a pandemic and seasonal depression spiral, i literally cannot. and i believe no one can. while the people i know that have depression act very concerned and think i have it (and while i personally also do), no psychiatrist has said so. the most drastic thing/ treatment i'd been offered were sleeping pills for a month. it was not an officially re...

 so i watched a video on YT, about the music in Les Miserables - the movie adaptation, and my mind went off on a tangent. At one point, Sideways mentions how awful it must have been for the actors' voices and singing that (some) lost a lot of weight, dangerously dehydrated themselves for... basically no good reason, and other practices, that are so everyday in filmmaking, and so harmful in vocal performances. i of course got stuck on the body transformations. they had Anne Hathaway for this film, undoubtedly a gorgeous actress, and she had to lose a lot of weight - for what? and this is always the thing! for star wars, for the avengers, for every single movie, women have to lose weight! unless their role is That Fat Girl*. and men don't have it better, either! all* the superheroes and action stars that train like hell and have these very shapely muscles, whenever they're shooting a shirtless scene, they're at their weakest. starving, dehydrated, hours away from literal ...

after yesterday's awful online tests, worsened by my ancient laptop, i am now told my german isn't good enough. Fair. that's what i've been so damn afraid of. but now...? i've been so invested in this concept of moving to portugal. i feel like i'm that one girl who always dreams and never does anything about it - which is, in this case, unrealistic. i know i've done what i could, but there's this nagging voice in my head - did i really? did i really go above and beyond, did i strain myself to all ends? and to that, the answer is no. i did definitely stay inside my comfort zone, but i did stay within the limits of my abilities. i've been fired from a voulnteering opportunity, where i had been going above and beyond. i did all sorts of things that, precisely because of them, i swore never to do again. the one thing i most definitely regret from that was giving up on my trainings. not long-term, i just had to skip one or two a month, or choose new time ...

Let me tell y'all i am so SO frustrated. the last time i wrote was the day i last spoke to my recruiter - after that, i had a really tough weekend that i have no idea how i actually managed to survive. on monday, i started physiotherapy for my right ankle, which has a weird story. to put it shortly, in the span of 12 months, i managed to twist/sprain/ hurt it 6 times, the first 4 all happening within 30 days of each other. whoch was good, it does give me a sense of direction with my life. but today, oh today i had an interview! and it went horribly (in my opinion). at the beginning, i could not for the life of me understand what my recruiter was saying. like all i knew in german had been sucked out from my head. like my brain had been insulated and her words couldn't get through. i did not have this problem when i did the test with the company that was pre-selecting me. we were on the brink of giving up. and i almost had a panic attack at the thought of having forgotten so much...