Eyeing the world

 so, our class is organizing a 10 year anniversary meetup. at first, i absolutely disregarded the notification. who cares? i was always above caring about all these people. but then, the memories - the good, the bad, the embarrassing - started coming back to me. whatever happened with the barely 18 girl who hooked up with a teacher? and with the snobby idiots? should i want to see these people? am i cool and nonchalant, or is it a sad testament to my broken soul that i do not wish to follow up with these folks? and, just as i started thinking about a good reason to go or an even better one to decline, my brain just gave up on it. don't go, it decided, we haven't amounted to anything. it's been 10 years and you've gained how many kilos of fat again? some of these classmates had gotten married, given birth, started on their dream carreers, while you dropped out of college, gotten fat, kept the superiority complex and don't even have a one night stand to show for it. i...

 im not sure if this is a circle of suffering, or a domino effect - in fact im not even sure these are separate things. today i went to a new psychologist and to be entirely fair, it helped me a lot. it was also long overdue. i finally could talk about my problems - and what im thinking now, although this igh be pathologizing something not entirely pthological, is that i kind of have an eating disorder. see, at the end of our session, she drew this circle and said i should draw in what is relevant to me and in what measure. then she portioned out at least 70% ofthe circle and said it was her impression that that was filled by my prepccupation with body weight. with my weight and my shape. and i really didnt want to admit this to myself. i did not want to think about how this is what i mostly think about. and on the one hand, if i lose weight, i'll have the chance to be less preoccupied - to not worry if i fit in a chair or a tight pass, if i have clothes in a size that will fit ove...

it's been 2 and a half years. My worst fears have come true. And I'm kind of starting out again. i have come back to this blog kind of to motivate myself; kind of to continue whatever this story is. I did want to make a yt series on weight loss, and I have a lot to process. let's then quick recap all that happened after my last post so far (since November of 2021). Freshly after a situationship, I threw myself into exercise. I taught myself how to headstand and I was really proud of my progress with it. I was starting to train for pull-ups and jump rope. It was, in some ways, fun. I also gave up on measuring my scale weight. I loved my body basically as it was; I wanted to expand my limits and focus less on weight. However I was unhappy in another way - after that situationship. I was invested. I kind of feel some progress of my personality has declined since, and have recently started working on "fixing" that. Let's not skip that far forward, yet. I was also ...

 So I started doing Noom. I know it's bad for my eating habits, I was only interested in the articles, and did learn some useful things as well. One of them is the motivation model, which, very shortly means: one large peak and decline at the start, and then continuous slips and surges (yes, I did steal their terminology). I am now going through a slip. Or is this my initial fall, since I was experiencing "success" for about 6 months? It's also autumn, and I feel awful. I'm also going through what is, for me, a breakup - and for the person I used to refer to as my man, I have no clue. It sucks. I miss him terribly. And I'm not gonna tell him anything. But all this has made it so that I don't feel the same rush of happiness throughout or even at the end of my workouts, while my daily mood is still low. I'm not sure, what to do - if I stop, it can only get worse, but I'm also not as motivated to keep it up. The one thing that still sparks joy in me i...

 This is the question I ask myself before every workout, every time I look in the mirror, before falling asleep, and in so many other situations that I couldn't possibly count them all. I ask myself this, because I'm hoping the answer will be "no, there's nothing to be scared of". I don't want to set this up as being afraid to be fat again. I'm still fat, and my goal weight is specifically more than what's "appropriate" for my height. What I am afraid of, is seeing all the effort go to waste. Yo-yo dieting, that's what I'm scared of. I know my worth as a person, I know the worth of my skills and knowledge, but the emotional states I'd experienced and that led to me gaining so much weight in the first place terrify me. I'm not the woman who eats her feelings anymore. I have to do this affirmation-style. As much as taking all this one day at a time feels easy at times, I'm already looking months into the future, to the desig...

 I re-read my post about what I plan to do after reaching my goal weight, and, of course, I have some comments to add. Since September, I've been feeling less amazing, even though the workouts still keep me going. My weight is quite firmly stuck at 92 kilos, which is not an issue. I also introduced a No-scale November, because I was curious, what effect it would have on my mental health to not have to step on a scale every morning, and, I hate to admit this, but compare the number to expectations and performances. I have days where I eat a lot, and then weigh less the next day, but more on the third and fourth. I have days where I don't feel like exercising, and, of course, I have days when I just go wild and almost end myself with a workout. I actually started journaling and meditating, and they are genuinely awesome habits for me right now. I have a slight problem though: I have no idea what my body looks like anymore. I find strange confidence in comparing myself to old phot...

 I cannot explain what is going on. I may have had the worst morning of the year. I woke up at 2.50 am and did not manage to fall back asleep until my alarm. Then I did allow myself a few minutes of sleep after this alarm, before I went to the gym. I am halfway through a third cycle of Insanity. Today's workout was not, in fact, an Insanity video, because I felt really bad. I'm having some relationship problems, miss friends, family, habits... But, and I don't mean to discourage anyone from their goals... I have to tell you about my last week. I could start this by complaining, but I'd rather emphasize the time I spent with a really good friend. We made some really good looking breakfast together, we go out for a run each morning, and to be honest, her presence makes me realize a relationship might even fit into my life. So, among all the things we did together (me having taken 4 days off work) I did attend two of her university courses. They were literal torture. They ...