Eyeing the world

 So I started doing Noom. I know it's bad for my eating habits, I was only interested in the articles, and did learn some useful things as well. One of them is the motivation model, which, very shortly means: one large peak and decline at the start, and then continuous slips and surges (yes, I did steal their terminology). I am now going through a slip. Or is this my initial fall, since I was experiencing "success" for about 6 months? It's also autumn, and I feel awful. I'm also going through what is, for me, a breakup - and for the person I used to refer to as my man, I have no clue. It sucks. I miss him terribly. And I'm not gonna tell him anything. But all this has made it so that I don't feel the same rush of happiness throughout or even at the end of my workouts, while my daily mood is still low. I'm not sure, what to do - if I stop, it can only get worse, but I'm also not as motivated to keep it up. The one thing that still sparks joy in me i...

 This is the question I ask myself before every workout, every time I look in the mirror, before falling asleep, and in so many other situations that I couldn't possibly count them all. I ask myself this, because I'm hoping the answer will be "no, there's nothing to be scared of". I don't want to set this up as being afraid to be fat again. I'm still fat, and my goal weight is specifically more than what's "appropriate" for my height. What I am afraid of, is seeing all the effort go to waste. Yo-yo dieting, that's what I'm scared of. I know my worth as a person, I know the worth of my skills and knowledge, but the emotional states I'd experienced and that led to me gaining so much weight in the first place terrify me. I'm not the woman who eats her feelings anymore. I have to do this affirmation-style. As much as taking all this one day at a time feels easy at times, I'm already looking months into the future, to the desig...

 I re-read my post about what I plan to do after reaching my goal weight, and, of course, I have some comments to add. Since September, I've been feeling less amazing, even though the workouts still keep me going. My weight is quite firmly stuck at 92 kilos, which is not an issue. I also introduced a No-scale November, because I was curious, what effect it would have on my mental health to not have to step on a scale every morning, and, I hate to admit this, but compare the number to expectations and performances. I have days where I eat a lot, and then weigh less the next day, but more on the third and fourth. I have days where I don't feel like exercising, and, of course, I have days when I just go wild and almost end myself with a workout. I actually started journaling and meditating, and they are genuinely awesome habits for me right now. I have a slight problem though: I have no idea what my body looks like anymore. I find strange confidence in comparing myself to old phot...

 I cannot explain what is going on. I may have had the worst morning of the year. I woke up at 2.50 am and did not manage to fall back asleep until my alarm. Then I did allow myself a few minutes of sleep after this alarm, before I went to the gym. I am halfway through a third cycle of Insanity. Today's workout was not, in fact, an Insanity video, because I felt really bad. I'm having some relationship problems, miss friends, family, habits... But, and I don't mean to discourage anyone from their goals... I have to tell you about my last week. I could start this by complaining, but I'd rather emphasize the time I spent with a really good friend. We made some really good looking breakfast together, we go out for a run each morning, and to be honest, her presence makes me realize a relationship might even fit into my life. So, among all the things we did together (me having taken 4 days off work) I did attend two of her university courses. They were literal torture. They ...

 I went through Insanity twice. It's almost undescribable, and yet, somehow trivial after all this time. The way it impacted my mental health should never be overlooked - working out daily pulled me out of a very awful depression, and I only see how deep I was after being out of it for a while. To be honest, it's been hard to navigate my mental states even during those two cycles - I was happy and content, but only barely, and I had to pause for a while to allow my joints some recovery. By the end of my second cycle, I'd had problems with my knee and pain in my hips, which was overall very concerning. After a month of pause, I feel lost, bored and too demotivated to do it a third time. I could do another program - in fact, I have acquired the P90X3, and I'd love to try it out - but also, for some reason, I can't. I'm not sure where I'm lost. Is it my depression, family, stereotypes...? Do I just not have a strong enough why, as they call it? And I know that ...

 My experience so far has been that as a beginner, you simply get screwed over. Maybe not even intentionally. You might come across people who have been training for months or years, and you immediately start to compare yourself to them. Well, at least I did. The first time I saw photos of a girl who runs a running tumblr, I immediately registered that she was still heavier than me, and my first thought was "aha, so I can run better than her then"; and I couldn't have been more wrong. I did not learn from this experience at the ripe age of fourteen, but decided to look at other fitblrs, and ended up somehow finding the Insanity program. We all know my most recent experience with it, I lost 20 entire kilograms of weight and gained 2 kilograms of muscle doing it. But I also mentioned my first experiences, which were total disappointments to me. Hell, the workouts warn you that if you acquired them in any other way but the official Beachbody site, they aren't going to be...

Can you imagine how excited I was to see this movie? I loved most of the superhero films, starting from Batman (well, technically, I only liked The Dark Knight, but I watched the entire trilogy because I thought I'd appreciate all of it together). And I really, really enjoyed Wonder Woman, and how I could actually see her be a person in all the action - something that not many characters get. If you are doing an origin story, you will need to put the character's personality into it, but for "classical" action, where you just turn your brain off, it isn't really required. I didn't really enjoy Captain Marvel, though, and I'm sure it wasn't because the main character was a woman. I just felt like I couldn't connect with her the same way I could, for example, with Iron Man, who's basically the least similar person to me. I believe that was because of writing. I have seen many arguments saying that her movie is actually good precisely because it...