Period talk

 (content warning for negative body talk. skip to ctrl+F march to still read the point of this post)

since nothing noteworthy has happened since me being rejected for that Portugal job, i'll write very shortly about my period. it's the most news a uterus owner has.

i haven't had my actual period for two months. my last one was in december, and then in January, there was nothing. i chalked it up to january being a weird month, after all, i'd skipped a period in 2020 as well. then something happened, that i'm not entirely sure about. i did get some blood, and one very dark chunk of...stuff. before, i was just wondering, but then i got concerned.

this repeated in february, too. it was not a normal period (thankfully that meant no pain either, only the worry), just a few drops of blood. literally a few drops, i didn't even need a pad, just a bit of toilet paper, and it wouldn't get soaked, just marked. the marks were dark, though. what happened?

and i was so eager to try a menstrual cup, too! i bought one in november, and when i was trying it in december, i felt so lost. and now, i didn't even have a period to catch with it?

what happened in december was very simple. i am fat. and when my cup just wouldn't pop open like literally every article, video and user manual had promised, i assumed i couldn't push it up far enough. because of my stomach, of course. or what if i had some internal fat reserves that held my vaginal canal tighter? oh, no, this is a mess, i thought, and i was so angry at myself for letting my body get like that. i was too fat to fit in any of my jeans, and without jeans i wouldn't be able to work but none of the stores i went to even had my size anymore. i was also kind of depressed at this point. so i did not try the cup, i blamed myself for wasting money on it, for getting fat; i felt beyond a point of no return. i did pay for a three month gym membership that i would activate in january, though.

so two months passed, i was lost, depressed, looking for jobs and finding rejections. i felt like there was an endless well in my soul, no rock will find its bottom, no water will ever be pulled from it, and there was certainly need for that. you can't pour from an empty cup, and all my friends' cups were empty, my lover's cup was empty and my parents just got headaches from the echo of that well. i didn't have a period, i didn't have a pulse, almost.

then in the beginning of march, i got my first dose. there was now something more binding me to this life. then, my lover started a workout program at home. and at first, seeing his weight change brought up some bad feelings in me, but as he kept updating me and his instagram stories with this adventure, i decided to put to use a fitness program that i'd pirated years ago. after the first week of HIIT and about a month of nutrient-dense foods, i got my period this saturday.

i was fucking ecstatic!!

and because i'd been following a few tiktoks with period-themed lifehacks, i thought i would try the cup again. because even the people who swear by it, and whose period practices seem so impossible to me had problems in the beginning, why not. i would try the cup one last time. i put it in. felt a bit easier than before (i was somewhat lighter by now, apparently). and then i went on to shower after the workout of the day. 

the cup was uncomfortable - i figured this was because i squat down in my bathtub to shower,to avoid splashing; as the house doesn't have a shower curtain or a rod for it.

so i pulled the cup out. i could hear my heartbeat. my arm was straining and i could not decide if it was because of that day's workout, the uncomfortable position or my gorilla grip coochie. images were flashing in front of my eyes, of the stem breaking, of a prolapsed uterus, of an ER visit because i was apparently still too fat to reach up inside myself. i heard stories of people reaching up and feeling their cervix. it's apparently sometimes softer. i don't think i could reach my own cervix, my arm doesn't get that far.

but the cup was out, and i was heaving like i'd ran a marathon. this is what giving birth must be like, i thought. there was a bit of blood on the bottom of it, so my bleeding was also back to normal, and not only staining.

naked, heaving and bleeding i bent over the edge of the bathtub and cried. there were no actual tears but emotionally it was exactly the same. 

i was done. i can use a cup. i do have my period. it was gonna hurt like hell, but i had it. perhaps my life wasn't gonna end.

at the moment of writing, i'd been using the cup for circa 60 hours. the very first night, i didn't sleep with it inside, and the next morning i had awful cramps that seemed to ease when i put the cup in again. i have worked out twice with the cup, stayed on a train for 6 hours, carried bags and trash, and even though getting it out still feels a bit scary, it is indeed comfortable. well, not immediately, as when i put it in, there's an adjustment period, but it's way comfier than a pad. i'd prefer literally anything over tampons, i only used them because i do not trust pads while exercising.

the cup has not leaked.

and finally, something i wish i had been told: the cup and the blood you take out with it is warm. almost hot. it is, after all, adjusted to your body temperature.

then, sometimes it's stringy. i don't get blood clots, but i do get these long, stringy things that most resemble spider silk. sometimes, when you pour the blood into water, it sinks, but creates stalagmites.

and most importantly, you can wear the cup for 12 hours with no problem. it is incredible and i did not believe it, but after 12 hours, it literally only seemed half full, maybe 2/3rds. after having used pads and tampons for so long, i was thinking i lose so much blood, and on my most intense days (that are just now ending) i frequently end up with fully red pads, overflow, or tampons so thick i'm surprised the string didn't break when i was pulling them out. and all that fits into half of one cup. only now do i believe that we lose about two tablespoons of blood.