Eyeing the world

 so i talked with my mother while i was at the gym - actually, while working on the punching bag. she told me about her negative experience(s) while job hunting in the city i now live in. she grew up here and wanted to move back, to work as a pharmacist. i remember she interviewed for several jobs, most of them told her 'we'll call you back" which just means "sorry". well, she didn't know that, but that is not the point. one of the jobs took her on for a trial week - she quit after a few days, because she didn't feel capable. and while yes, as a pharmacist you're responsible for people's health, their lives even; i think that might be also in a very large part due to her perfectionism. which is mirrored very nicely in how i am always so scared that whichever company hires me for whatever role, will then later find out i'm not good enough and just fire me. even after all the trainings i'd been through at amazon, which were all intended to e...

and everyone is talking about this stock thing they are doing, good for them; and someone says "the scariest thing in the world are people with nothing left to lose. especially when you realize you have EVERYTHING to lose" and oh damn!, that is exactly my issue. i was in therapy yesterday, and i've been very slowly realizing that i am so deeply afraid of failure, of rejection, of having anything to lose and then losing it - that i don't even want to start. and i was told this is childish, and sure, whatever, it is. but this is where i'm at right now and i donxt know how i'd get out of it. i literally only have about 2000 dollars to my name, and i have given a loan of about 300, and that is all i have, all i am working with, and i'm scared to have more because then i stand the chance of losing it. and failing from the start diesn't scare me nearly as much as failing from some higher avhievement. of course there's the saying that failure is a bruise,...

 let me just update everyone real quick, although no one is as invested and frustrated as i am. i was supposed to have an interview last wednesday. i got an email they couldnt call me. here we go again, i thought, the stupid issue with the phone numbers. so i wrote back and told when i was available (last week). on thursday evening i got my second email, saying they want the interview this week - 'kay, fine, whatever. i sent 4 possible hours for contacting me: monday, tuesday, thursday and friday. naturally, they chose wednesday. that's frustrating, but at least i'll be able to talk about it in therapy - i hope i'll have a more refined feelong of whether i will get the job. amazon sent me an email that they paid me too much and want their money back - for a math tutor, i presume. whatever, it's not much. i want to get back in the cycle i had, waking up at 5 in the morning, but that just resulted in me sleeping through the entire afternoon, with some really fancy nig...

 ugh i just wanna eat like 7 thousand calories in milkshakes, bubble tea, pancakes and a specific type of "tacos" with my friends, then walk around this city like it's the last day on the planet, get each other small gifts to remember us by, take silly photos and end up at the /panoramic viewpoint/ at 2 a.m, looking down at the city and maybe crying a bit inside because all we had and took for granted is slowly fading i want them all to accompany me to the travel agency when i buy my ticket, i want us to go to the airport together, sob dramatically and wave goodbye with paper napkins. i want to be able to call them on a video message immediately as i arrive. i want us to be annoying young girls that you get to see in the media. i'm not sure when i'll see them again and i'd like the goodbye to be memorable...

 if you've ever found the therapist side of tiktok, i'm sure you've met the concept that "people pleasing is manipulation". and it is a great concept, to be honest, however me and my huge fear of being manipulative even on accident, cannot really work with it. honestly, i've spent so much of my life trying to time and phrase things in such ways that whoever is listening should experience the least possible discomfort that i am exhausted. i have had it up to my ears with different communication styles, with weighing the tone of my voice and the spiciness of mh words. when i stop with this moderation, words fall from my lips like rocks. i feel horrible. i can see my mother, crushed, curling up, crying - she's like a child, surely, i can make this less difficult. but what she feels is not my problem. i'm not trying to be hurtful, just to express myself. i've often wished to not be human, to not face difficult (impossible?) choices that might end up hu...

 tell me, why do i want to be everything, why do i need to know it all? i feel knowledge isn't even a curiosity of mine, it is duty. whenever i see a book i feel required to read it and then disappointed if i don't.

 i tried a hair mask, basically. and so far, by experience, the steps of that are 1, get cap out of the pack. careful if using scissors! 2, massage cap to spread mask all over its surface 3, bend, bring all your hair over in front of your face. put on cap. smush any hanging hair under the cap. seal it. 4, do not believe in the cap. after massaging, to spread the mask on your hair as well, tie a towel over the cap. 5, wait for the timer to end. in that time, you can have a raw bar, brush your teeth, apply lip balm, massage yourself with an anti-acne gel and then wash it off... maybe even take photos of some of these. 6, take the towel and the cap off. rinse mask out of hair. 7, apply hair serum to scalp. massage. 8, tie hair up until it dries a bit. i always air-dry my hair, because i'm lazy. it's thin, and inheard heat is damaging ( justification).