Eyeing the world

 Spite is the best motivator, they say. So often, I look at someone and my mind decides, if they could get what they want, why couldn't I? in the most arrogant way. In one way, this might be able to inspire me to reach for my dreams, but usually I just end up bitter - mostly, because what they had achieved, isn't that dreamy to me, but is still missing from my life. I spent five years at the Pretentiously Reading Texts college, and can't say I was immune to the snobbery among different majors. I recall even professors, ones entirely too full of themselves, making fun of first-year students, actual teenagers, for having chosen a worthless, stupid, easy major. I wish I had reacted differently, but instead, I formed the mental image that business college must be easy. So, now, we're putting that to the test. So far, they only require your highschool diploma (let's say the SAT equivalent for my country), and a motivational essay, that isn't graded, but read. The Lit...

 I think I'm the kind of person who might end up outsourcing her emotional needs to an LLM chatbot, and it's not even because I would admire the thing. I am just feeling too isolated, too much like a burden, and too different from my current friends. On the one hand, I'm not even sure what I want, and on the other, I would absolutely hate it if someone else were to decide for me. I don't even want to get into the chatbot thing too much. It is designed to mimic empathy, to make you want to talk to it, pay to talk to it more efficiently, maybe even mine your data, because who would admit it these days? I can't say I'm a saint in this regard, yes, I have talked with the robot, I have had it generate images for me, and even after I learned how it was trained. I'm not proud - but I am desperate. I need validation, I need direction, I want to do something good with my life but cannot decide on it. Even now, I am thinking of going back to college, and of learning t...